My Pigeon Pair

In the midst of a meeting with the senior manager, one that was planned around my holiday – at 15:49 I missed a call from the Nanny, I saw the call 5mins later and excuse myself from the meeting and called back with my heart in my mouth – as Nanny has never called me at the office before – and then the next 15 minutes went in a blurred panic. Nanny was frantic & emotional on phone, I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying, she was crying a little – I only got “I don’t know what happened to BebeLuv” and I could hear BebeLuv was screaming in the background – I ran into my meeting and requested to leave. The snr mngr was NOT impressed and was rude & wasted 5mins of my time with some mumbling.

I ran to my desk, called a friend to get home to BebeLuv, packed my stuff – whatever I could think off and ran out the door. I drove with my emergency hazards flashing and cried all the way home. I imagined the worst. I wanted to get out of my car and run through robots and traffic. I tried calling DH who was out of town for the day and didn’t get hold of him…I called Nanny again and understood that BebeLuv just got up screaming but nothing happened to her directly, I ordered her to take BebeLuv outside for a walk.

I got home before my friend who lives around the corner did. She came almost 10mins after me…yes I didn’t drive very reponsibly.

I found BebeLuv walking in the garden all smiles & perfectly fine.

I cried from relief. Nanny was shaken and apologetic. Before this episode yesterday, I spoke to nanny earlier in the day & she said BebeLuv had cried a lot in the morning and didn’t go down for her nap easily, but things settled & then not even an hour later all the above drama occurred. Nanny says BebeLuv has never cried as such ever before and she got very worried. I am glad she called me but I’m a bit concerned about her panic. There’s never been an emergency situation thus far and this wasn’t any emergency – I wonder how she would react in an emergency??? She’s normally very competent with BebeLuv, & even when we can’t calm BebeLuv down Nanny has always stepped in and taken charge and handled things. Is this episode just random and acceptable or should I have real concerns about Nanny?

On the upside, BebeLuv is 100% fine and is having a great day today! I on the other hand am in an emotional battle with myself – there’s a lot going on right now with BebeLuv’s clinginess, insecurity and needs & I need to make some decisions – more on that in the next post.

BebeLuv is home – My lil family of three in our lil home is bliss

I was so excited on Sunday eve – awating the arrival of my BebeLuv. I literally had butterflies in my tummy in the last hour. I was anxious at how she would react to seeing me cos DH said she wasn’t very welcoming when she swa him – she cried and wanted my sister. She only warmed upto him after about half an hour.

When they arrived, I could hear her crying fom the parking lot as she had fallen asleep in the car and wasn’t happy to be disturbed. At the door I took her in my arms and she put her head on my shoulder and cried a lil and quickly settled down as I held her close and tight. She felt so lil in my arms yet looked so grown up. My mum had sent her dressed very madamly – tights, velvet dress, coats & boots.

I took her into our bedroom where I had already switched on the hearter and had her PJs set out. We sat on the bed and she looked around and took her surroundings in. She didn’t say anything and stared at me for a bit. I softly spoke to her and hugged and cuddled and kissed her & then she touched me slowly and said ‘Mama’ and put her head on my shoulder again & we just stayed like that for a while till she moved. It felt like a precious moment of reconnecting. Once she was warmed in her PJs we set off for the lounge and she walked around and familiasrised with being back home. It was 11pm by now and yet she was so awake. As I looked to unpack her bottles she found a book of hers and brought it to me. Another reconnecting moment – we read a few books together and played  a bit. She seemed to adapt and was back to normal by now. We slept around midnight and she was eager to get into her cot and cuddle her blanky.

It was a restless first night back home – she cried from 2-3am and then went back to sleep till 9:30am.

It was a bit of a hectic day @ home yesterday with unpacking BebeLuv’s stuff and just decluttering luggage and packets of lil things everywhere - packing away medication and toys and more laundry…& on & on. A hectic but productive day – & having DH @ home as well gave us time to spend with BebeLuv – & so all in a day’s work most of our normality has been restored.

BebeLuv is a bit unsettled emotionally it seems – crying at the drop of a hat so we are trying to give her lots of TLC. She is also a bit fluey – stuffy nose & a mild cough. Hopefully self medicating works & we don’t need a visit to the doc. 

Regardless of two hectic days back home – I feel so content & happy: the signs that the holiday did me great & rejuvenated me. I’m back @ work today & struggled with leaving BebeLuv this morning. DH was home with BebeLuv to distract her. DH is battling a nagging headache. He’s back at work tomorrow, temporarily for the company he resigned from. They have a verbal agreement he will continue till he finds something else, & can take unpaid leave when he needs to go for interviews.

I hope Jhb is warming up a bit cos the cold is brutal, esp coming from tropical warmth.

Hello bloglanders – I’m back after my sunshiney & warm winter island getaway to a brrr Jhb.

I had an amazing holiday – lots of relaxation, beach, sunshine, food, bonding time with DH & some shopping. & how did I cope without my BebeLuv? – well there were some uncontrollable emotional moments of panic that I need to get back to her asap, some tantrums when we almost couldn’t skype the night I planned and eagerly awaited, there were moments my heart ached & I wished she could be right there to experience with us like lots of birds in the garden and dolphin watching and the sand and sea which she luvs and the amusement centres at the shopping malls…& then there were the great moments of adventure & quality time with DH that I knew I could only indulge in cos she wasn’t with us and I just shut my guilt up & made the most of them. DH & I realised just how worked up we have been since he started his dreaded job (where matters are still unresolved) & I went back to work. We hope we have made some headway in new commitments. It was fun spending time with him without the pressures of household and parenting chores. I enjoyed some adventure: parasailing & underwater sea walk.

BebeLuv will only be returning tonight, oh I am SO impatient. DH has flown down to collect her– we had 5 skype sessions in the 10 days she was away & she recognised us, did a few of her tricks for us like showing us whose Dad’s baby when we asked, gave us ‘the look’ – chin down eyes up & said Mama & Dada. Then she was off away from the camera & not too interested in us. There were no tears, no drama. She seemed perfectly fine & visibly the Queen of the castle in her grandparents home. She’s experienced her first fun fair day yesterday – fun fair rides & face painting. She looks so happy in the pics I have seen so far J. She’s also had beach days and play dates with my nephew . So I think my lil big gal has enjoyed herself despite my concerns.

The 1 concern was on the 2^nd day of our holidays I got 2 calls from the Nanny which I missed & then panicked when I saw them. I called back & apparently she & my mum had a tiff & she packed her bags to leave – mum humbled herself & apologised & things seem smooth since but I can’t be too sure if Mum was just saying that so I don’t worry. I hope Nanny J is all good, and there’s no issues I’m left to damage control, cos she’s threatened to walk out before over petty issues. I certainly don’t need that drama.

Father’s day was whilst we were away – so BebeLuv missed it with hubby. This is the 2nd father’s day for hubby & she missed both. Last yr I left a pressie hidden whilst we were with my folks & this year I forgot about it . We’re not very big on celebrating, but it’s not a nice feeling to miss it all together.

So I am home alone today – doing exactly what you shouldn’t do after a blissful, relaxing week – laundry, laundry & more laundry. And there’s unpacking & cleaning up the house, since Nanny has a day off tomorrow and I am back to work on Tuesday.

Work – I have too much that has piled up in my inbox and some after hours meeting arranged since a colleague has resigned and I will be taking over a share of his work. His resignation timing sucks cos I am now thrown into a handover aggressively to make up for the lost time whilst I was on leave.

So that’s back to reality, but no complaints – I feel blessed and content – looking forward to the next hols

When BebeLuv was a newborn, I didn’t sleep much for the first 10 days – maybe 2/3 hours a day due to dead exhaustion. The sleeplessness was not because of her – she slept like a dream mostly BUT it was because of the voices in my head that mimicked my baby screaming ALL the time. I imagined inconsoloble crying - I ran out of the shower, ran from the loo, jumped out of bed & screamed @ everyone around that BebeLuv was crying & nobody was attending to her and most of the time she was peacefully asleep. I couldn’t be away from her. This felt uncontrollable. I ended up feeling jittery – severe shakes & crying & basically felt like I was losing my mind.

I am feeling like that again – battling to control my racing mind & my pounding heart. I wanna run back & grab my kid & apologise profusely for my insanity.

I was strong when i said g’bye to her, cos during her last feed I was alone with her & felt emotional and she looked scared so I knew I had to be strong when the moment came. I almost lost the plot as she was buckled into Dad’s car before taking off with them. She looked confused as I kissed & cuddled & sed a hundred I love yous & I toughened up again & closed the door. Dad and them left without realising that DH hadn’t said g’bye to our Princess so we called them back & DH & BebeLuv had a moment & I stole another. BebeLuv was indifferent – she had Nanny & Grandpa & my bro, SIL & his baby in the car & off they went. She slept in the car most of the trip – but not in her carseat, in my Dad’s arms instead. They have a great bond thankfully.

The trip home was 3 calls in 4 hours whilst we drove, and then when we got home was another 2 calls in the 3 hours after, till we slept. Mum assured me she was good – but I was badgering her – asking if she calling for me & mum said she was looking around calling Mama & that shattered me. As if I didn’t expect it?

DH has been understanding and comfortng, missing his baby gal alot as well, but already enjoying the relaxation of freedom from parenting responsibilities. He asked if that was selfish – I think not. Letting go is part of loving as well, but I wonder if it’s possible for Mums. Especially since it was the first night I had to try and keep in touch with Nanny & my mum – reminding them to feed her a big cereal feed as supper as that’s her comfort food & if she’s awake till late try some bread as a small snack & don’t forget Karvol on a cloth pinned to her sleeping bag, since she moves off pillow and that doesn’t work for us, and vaseline in her nostrils etc etc. It’s hard just letting go, everyday will be some lil advise to help. This morn I advised she should nap an hour earlier……….& on & on. I think it’s necessary. Maybe after a few days it won’t be so much – they’ll figure it all out, but for now I can’t backoff just yet…right?

She slept through the night – well from 11pm till 6am, as opposed to 7-7, but the late night was because of napping in the car. They tried putting her to sleep in her cot by herself but she cried, so yet again Grandpas arms were her comfort.

We will be skyping with her this evening – & also intend on skyping whilst on holiday. I know this will confuse her and she will call me & wonder why I cannot be with her but I think it’s better than wondering where I’ve disappeared all together. What do you think? To skype or not to skype? Will it just upset a 15month old more? She doesn’t talk on the phone yet. I feel she needs some reassurance we are somwhere out there instead of total confusion.

Packing tonight for the trip & tomorrow early morn we head out

Deep breaths in & out I need to keep reminding myself whenever I think about leaving BebeLuv with my folks this Thursday & fly off to my island getaway on Saturday. I feel panicky & want to back out. I don’t know WHY I chose to do this. My baby gal is going to look for me & she will feel abandoned. 10 nights without us. TEN! WTH was I bloody damn thinking???!!!?????

How terrified will she be when she calls for Mama / Dada in the middle of the night. *sob* I am probably going to cry myself to sleep when I think about her lost feeling. 

And to make matters worse, or better – I’m not sure?!?? My mum has fractured her ankle so BebeLuv will now sleep with the Nanny in her room to see to her at night. This makes me sad but maybe it’s better since she’s more used to the Nanny than my mum.

On more depressing news: DH still hasn’t found a new job and this is his last week.

I’m not in a happy place – but I should be cos I am going for my island holiday, as I have wanted for a loooooong time. But nothing seems to matter anymore when i think of my BebeLuv’s sadness. I know she will be well taken care off, she will be spoilt actually & I have bought her new books & will be doing some toy shopping as well, to take along on ‘her holiday’ but will it be enough to help her fear & pining heart for her Mama & Dada? *tears in my eyes*

How do I prepare her for the seperation? She’s only 15months old, my lil Precious. She’s friendly - that helps I guess. All w-end we were socialising & she played with the other kids really well, enjoyed herself, mingled with the adults & didn’t look around for us too much – she had the odd moments calling Mama & Dada, had a quick cuddle and took off again… 

Deep breathing, deep breathing, deep breathing

We began as strangers
We became friends
We became one with each other
and the love & friendship never ends…

Today, we can proudly  celebrate a decade of holy matrimony-
We’ve conquered and achieved so many dreams
a life, a home, a family
we celebrate years of loving and joys, being a team.

Somedays in the last decade I didn’t think we would last,
but you my love have always persevered
and most of our problems have passed.

My wonderful, loving partner in life-
Through sunny days and stormy times,
We’ve stayed together as husband and wife.

We had to have commitment & love to get this far,
I am glad we did, because here we are,
more mature – learning to listen to the depths of our hearts
and that helps us with our renewed hope, love & starts.

It seems to me, you can read my mind,
because when I think of something I want,
mysteriously, it appears and it’s there for me to find
I laugh with joy because this happens so much
I am glad our souls are so in touch.

 To love and share, and show each other we care,
no matter what, our bond will always be there.

Happy anniversary to my Darling Husband

who still makes me laugh

& drives me crazy too…

 I luv u!

And we started off with the words of Shania Twain – From this moment…and now we move onto…You’re still the One!

That’s my lil gal’s mobile …Up and away all by herself – no enticing, no encouragement, no cheers necessary. Just her will to rearrange the furniture get’s her zipping aroind on her “10 TOES – GP’. It is SO exciting, SO amazing, SO emotional for a Mama who wants to pause the good ole ‘baby’ days yet I am also already thinking about all the pretty clothes that i can make her wear without fearing the knee area will be destroyed ;)

Coupled with her walking achievement, BebeLuv is also draging furniture around - her stand up kitchen set, her mini table & chairs and even our dining chairs :0. The house is in constant clutter. We urgently need to get more safety measure in place – esp for small cupboard doors like the pedestal and dressing table that has toiletires and hair treatments products & also for drawers especially in the kitchen.

There seems to be more teeth that have cut – I’m not even sure anymore cos she refuses me to touch her mouth & I’m losing count – there’s 8 or 9 now. Its random, some molars – more at the top. We had an awful night the day before yesterday – don’t know if it was teething or tummy but last night was good again. Every 10 days or so we go through a sleepless night & then things settle thankfully. We are struggling with meal times – she’s refusing coarse textured, wants everything pureed & can only eat with Barney or Dora as a distraction and this just upsets me greatly. I am not a fan of distractions – I feel kids need to be conscious of what they’re experiencing which is very important for development. But we are at a point of frustration and just going with what works, yet this is just depressing us, well mostly me not hubby so much.

And another BEEEEG excitement is BebeLuv is saying her name very clearly now …we recorded it & sent it to my family & they were just so thrilled . Baby Genius -  o yeah!

On a more general note, let’s talk about this freaky weather – I hope the sunshine stays a while after the tornado threathening winds & the cold rain this past 24hrs…but well I’m off to my island hols next week so that’s promised to be as I dream

I just had a good laugh at Lunar’s post  - last night @ 7:30pm I randomly decided to bake muffins, the quick & easy box type. @ 8:30 I had coffee ready for DH & I & our muffins set out on the table for a java date, & yup that’s da night BebeLuv decides to be niggly. She cried every lil bit and that forced us to keep our voices hushed & remained silent mostly through our ‘date’. It’s like she just knew we were takign some time-out together. O HOW DARE WE? … & all through the night BebeLuv was restless. We have her 8th tooth this week, I wonder if more are cutting.

I’m in PAIN – from a gym class I went for yesterday. Ouchie! A thorough beating up is what it feels like …but hey it’s the second week I have been 2 times to the gym

Works oooookkkkkkkaaaaaayyy for me this week – my confrontations have brought about some realisations with the people at the top and that’s some relief for me, let’s hope it’s long lasting.

DH on the other hand has me confused – he’s boss is negotiating with him – dunno what exactly cos I don’t think DH even knows what he wants exactly. I’m frustrated – can’t deal with a lost soul when there’s responsibilities that need to be prioritised. Sadly, there’s just no room for playing games at this point in our lives so let’s hope he figures things out.

BebeLuv has repeated ‘PJs’ yesterday :0. This lil lady is just astounding me.

I have a busy w-end of cleaning & cooking – catch up with domestic life that’s been neglected recently.

Have a good w-end!

DH resigned today – without having another job! YES, things were THAT BAD for him:(…but will they get worse? PANIC! WHAT are we going to do? I don’t earn enough to cover us, but we have a small savings to get us thru a MAX of 2 months – however I am NOT HAPPY to part with it.

ME: I want to resign some days – but I have been tackling my issues at work, and now I am being seen as a whiner & the big bosses are NOT impressed with moi. It’s NOT my fault for sure & they need to get their issues right, but they won’t listen to anything - it’s simpler to look at me as the problem and make comments to me about my lack of flexibility and ability to be out of my comfort zone - Analysing me all wrong

BebeLuv: our hope, or joy, our smiles, our LUV – she’s taking more steps these days but mostly from being prompted. I found a few shoes for her and some winter wear – & I am now officially shopped out for her. No matter how simple and budgeted I tried to keep it – it all adds up. A whole new wardrobe for a 14month old costs alot – PJs, vests, leggings, cords, jeans, jerseys, jackets, tracksuits, hats, sox and shoes. It’s also hard work bargain hunting for the high fashion look. Then is fittings and modelling and then making space in cupboards for winter wear…sjoe…shopping is no longer a hobby but dressing the Princess up is lots of fun . I’m especially enjoying palm tree pony tails at the top of her head Her mane is wild looking – not too long, very fine dark hair, dishevelled and uneven but I am against cutting it for now so we do everything to keep it tame. Headbands are thrown away in a second & clips are pulled off and goes into her mouth but the ponytails are working. We have collected alot of hair accessories in 14months. Save them for her sister I guess *wink wink* *hint hint* NOPE not just yet like in exactly 9months - but…well…when our finances fall into place, SOON hopefully

Anyhoo, it’s June – DHs b-day, our anniversary & our island holiday (trying not to let our finacial woes ruin this pre-planned trip) - lots to look forward to