Our Journey To Parenthood

We all need it, some form of closure in our life, a chapter that needs an ending, an experience left in the past with a good or bad feeling, hopefully mostly good.  

This blog has brought me a bit of everything, joy, sadness, envy of some sort, moments that I thought, woah, what,  how, why?!  And best of all, laughing moments, where things people said or did left me giggling till tears flowed out of my eyes.  I have enjoyed and embraced each moment, each emotion.  The time has come for me to close this chapter of my life, and because I couldn’t leave it hanging, I had to write one last blog post for this blog, mostly for myself to say, this is it, I can now close this book of blogging and end it with a chapter which did not leave everyone hanging.
 
Life has been great, throwing us some hectic curveballs, but we will have to deal with it as it comes, all I can say is that, the TTC journey is a hard one that needs to be filled with a LOT OF PATIENCE.  Please pray for us, our journey has taken some unexpected tumbles, ones which I sometimes wonder if we will ever get up from it, but in the end we still believe, and we will till the end, keep on believing.
 
I have my reasons for closing my blog, but a lot of cons will one day bring me back to starting up a blog again, for now, I cannot carry on with this blog, these emotions, inside it has been killing me slowly and no amount of trying to let people out there in the universe understand how I feel has helped, it has only let me retract more and question myself more about what I put out there, and that is not what blogging was and is about for me.  I have met some dear people over the years of blogging, some who made me become a better person than who I was, lessons learned from others life experiences, and this is why I can now say, that I’ve been there, done that, got an awesome t-shirt from it.
 
I know this post is all over the place, which is why it is better to just say goodbye, ciao for now, totsiens and thank you, thank you to each and every one of you, you and you and you, have all made a difference in my life, thank you.

Catching up are we…
 
Life has been so busy these past few months, from Christmas it’s just been a swoosh of days and weeks flying past.  I’ll tell you, although I get home earlier than what I did closer to home, this Pretoria working thing is just not cutting it for me, but a bit more on that later.
 
Home life;
 
We are on the market to buy a house…again…a few months ago I withdrew ourselves because I was just so tired of house hunting, now we are at it again and after about 4 months of looking, driving our weekends away looking at strangers houses, I am really hoping and praying that we might have found “The One”.  I am putting my hopes and dreams on pictures that I’ve seen on the internet, but I just have such a good feeling about this house.  The backyard already has a jungle gym, swings and a little treehouse, which my nieces and nephews will obviously love for now, but for twinkle baby I mind, this is really a cool place for a kid, lots of playing space   And no pool worry for mom & dad.
 
We are starting to move into a direction with our TTC journey, getting more tests done, so it’s just a matter of time. I’m thinking of possibly changing gyneas, after realizing last week that I’ve been with my current gynea for 7 years, been on treatment for 6 and still nothing happening.  So that’s also a choice we have to make.  I’ve requested some info from Vitalab, but sheesh, their prices are a bit rough. I know that no amount can pay for a the joy of a baby, but really, we will have to save up for that first.  It’s actually so sad that you have to save up for something like that.  The medical aid does not cover it at all. 
 
Work life;
 
I am not enjoying my location of work at all.  I have just had issues from day one and it just hasn’t stopped.  I’m not going to say too much, but ja, I am in the jobmarket again, going for my first interview tomorrow for a lot more than what I am getting now and it is about 10 minutes from hubby’s work, and by the look of the job specs, not as stressful as where I am now either.  I am really hoping and praying that all these wonderful things come through for us, and also that those things that happens in 3’s happen to us to   Buying a house, new job & baby on the way   How awesome would that not be J
 
Health Wise;
 
I am doing much better since deciding to not let family issues get to me.  Only thing is this Pretoria heat is giving me terrible migraines, yesterday I was in bed within an hour of getting home, tried to sleep it off.  But ag, just dealing with a migraine and not all the other issues I used to have is better.  I’ve been a bit sick since just after Christmas, but it was really bad food poisoning, then I got the flu, the a stomach bug,  a cold again and finally I seem to have kicked all the germs @ss&s   Good considering this filthy place I have to work in…I nearly puked this morning.  The cleaning lady was cleaning everyones tables with the same lappie without rinsing it first, then she dug in her nose, touched the lappie again and wiped the table.  She tried to clean my table and I said a very resounding NO.  I hear them still gossiping to each other about it, but since I’ve stopped her from cleaning my table, I also do not feel as sick as I used to.  I clean my table with my own wetwipes and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.  Anyways, then, a colleague next to me starts cutting his nails, and OMW there is one thing that I absolutely hate, and that is to hear someone cutting their nails, it is disgusting, specially at work!!  We also have a bit of an aircon issue, and this office is always stuffy and stinky, smells like sweat and stinky feet.  Most days I go for a walk every hour just to be able to breathe properly.  I have also brought my own little fan and although there’s been looks, ever since I brought the smelly/stuffy issues under their attention, everyone wants one now
 
I’ve been meaning to start my own proper blog, getting rid of this one and my blogger blog, but I just haven’t had a chance at all yet…hubby is going on a paintball day one or other time in March…will maybe do it then
 
Have a good day all!!
 
Thanks for reading another chapter of my book

Might not be able to post tommorow, but I would like to wish you and your family a very Happy and Merry Christmas and for those who celebrate other Holidays, Happy Holidays!!!

May the joy of this season sink into your bones and embrace your soul with a tight hug.

With love
Nats xxx

Why oh why do we have to get attached to people?

Today was my last day at my current location of work, and although most of the people I work closely with is going with me, a lot of them are leaving and staying. I knew this day would come, but I didn’t know it was going to be this hard, specially now that the adrenaline has died down, now the sadness is striking.

Ai me, who hate change and who grow too attached to quickly to people, hate that part of my personality about me, it always hurts.

Next year when I go back to work it will be like walking into a new company, having to make new friends and get used to new surroundings. I know its a great and mysterious new adventure, but like I said, I hate change. I’m going to try my best to embrace it though, see it as a new start and keep in touch with my people on this side.

Oh did I mention how I hate change?.

I guess I’m just sad Not a good way to start off the holidays is it….

Tomorrow will be better.

These past few weeks have really taken the very last bit out of me, never in my life did I think that I would be the one wanting to give up, but I said it, let it out and there you go now as well, I have given up with my family, I have given up with the in laws and I nearly wanted to give up on my own marriage too. I realize that me and hubby is really not doing too bad when you look at those around you, but all the interferences just wanted to let us both give up. Usually I am the strong one, but I think I’ve just had enough. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather try to save my marriage than focus yet again and both families crap. Our marriage needs to be strong for what is lying ahead of us, and although our roots are strong, the family bundling under our tree have bundled a lot of roots up and I refuse to let our marriage be ruined by idiotic adults acting worse than a bunch of spoilt bratty children.

So yes, its been tough, I’ve been retracting more and more into my shell, Friday night I finally spoke to hubby and although there is not much we can do about the circumstances around us, we can build on our marriage and be stronger for each other and to the worlds beatings that gets send our way every single day.

This has been a tough year for all of us and I won’t compare anything to anyone, I just really wish and hope that 2013 brings peace and happiness in our life.

I have no idea what will lie in the road ahead for us and if we will get through it, but all I know is that we need to get rid of this family baggage and live our life.

I don’t know if its the user or the phone, but I cannot seem to access my messages..

Thank you for the messages, and particularly today’s message, your kind words were spot on, thank you so much for that xx

In the meantime, I’ll try to figure this blogging from my phone thing out

Hi,

A cousin of ours is running with this project, if you can help, please do, and if not, please help by spreading the word to as many people as you can. We can dot this, and although it is only one home we are helping, at least its one home of kids who will be shown that there is still a lot of love in this world. E-mail below. Thanking you in advance for your help and support.

My dear one’s . . .
“I get by with a little help from my friends…”
 
Christmas Project:
 
I am putting together “BABABAGS” for Door of Hope, which is an organization very close to my heart. Having recently become a mother it is apparent to me how important it is for a child to be nurtured, loved and cared for. We have therefore come up with this concept, a way to share some love with those still new to our world …together I know we can make a difference.

What is “Door of Hope”?
 
Door of Hope seeks to help in meeting the needs of abandoned, abused and orphaned children in South Africa, by providing loving and stable environments, so that they may grow up to be people that have a positive effect in South Africa and the world.
 
What is a “BABABAG”?
 
In most cases when babies reach Door of Hope they arrive with nothing. The idea behind a “BABABAG” is to include a few of the items babies need in order to feel comfort, love and being safe. Being a mother and sharing the love I have with Sebastian I know how much that love empowers a child.  On my own I am not able to share this gift but with your help we can begin to help these beautiful children and give them the hope they need to know how wonderful and special they are.

What to include in your “BABABAG”
 
Based on a needs list I received from Door of Hope I have created a “BABABAG” which includes the following items:
 
©     An Item of clothing
©     Bath Towel/ Receiver Blanket
©     A Bib (preferably with Velcro)
©     Barrier Cream
©     ONE of the following items:
Hand sanitizer, Box of Tissues, Latex gloves (for working with our HIV+ babies), Avent Teat, a packet of Wet wipes

The goal is to reach 60 “BABABAGS”, as this is the number of babies in their care at present – if we can get more even better

How can you help?
 
You are welcome to make up your own bag and deliver to me or even better, join me on a visit to Door of Hope and come and see where your kindness is going to, or one can be made up for you @ R100 p/ bag.
 
Extra funds raised will go towards nappies, milk formula and sunlight washing powder; as these are everyday necessities for the babies and are the most expensive to buy.
 
Should you need any other info please send me a mail or call me!
 
Let’s make this an awesome Christmas for the kids!
 
All my love and thanks
Monica
xoxo
082 593 5913
EMAIL: silverliningcharityfoundation@gmail.com 

*This might come across as an aggressive post, apologies for that in advance, I’m just trying to get certain people see this out of another point of view.

I’ve actually written up another post, but after yet another judgy post by a blogger on Blogger, I just have to get this off my chest. I’ve noticed this, not just by this blogger, but by all people who love to judge others, an article on Parent 24 included.  The way we treat our animals, “are our animals our kids” and I don’t know what nonsense else.  This might not reach a most read board of posts, but this is really important for me to let people understand this.
 
You all know Minx, he is the little light of our life, yes, he might be treated like a child in the house, but there are certain rules and regulations that not even he will break, yes, our cat has rules, he knows the rules and he knows when he breaks them (he darts out of a room and will run away and hide).
 
Our cat has a basket full of toys, I will try to post a photo of it here, but with blogging from a phone it’s a bit difficult, but anyways, he has the basket, he has two scratching posts, the one is very old, but he still loves it, so we keep it in the spare room for him, he has a scratching box, he has his own lovey bear, a teddy bear that goes everywhere with him, even when he goes and visits, it’s a comfort item for him, and will always be, all my animals had a comfort item, you will be amazed how that comfort item can help them get better when they are sick.  He goes on visits, not just when we go away, he visits his sister for a weekend, not only so that they can stay used to each other, but because he is an only cat, and an indoor cat, he needs to get other animal stimulation, one day when we get a puppy it might be different, or we going to have a whole zoo visit each other. He has two beds, 3 actually, but the 3rd one is way too small for him, he has a summer bed (open bed) and a winter bed (tent bed).
 
Our cat has a routine, yes, might be spoiled, but he loves his routine, and will let you know if he’s not happy.  He greets us at the front door, he’s almost like a dog who’s happy to see us, and will not stop bugging us until we have at least said hello to him, once the hello routine is done, he sits by his food bowl, because he knows, dinner time will come soon.  I give him fresh food and water every day, you wouldn’t like to eat stale food out of dirty bowls or drink water out of a dirty glass do you?  Why do that to your animal?  And this might be a bit overkill, but in these hot days, I’ve been putting ice blocks in his water, because our house is very hot, but I am not there to give him nice cold water now am I?  Why do you think dogs love to drink from the tap when you fill their water bowls? 
 
Then, a thing which most people have a problem with, my Facebook page is filled with mostly Minx pictures, yes I love my cat, I love to share his quirky photo looks and love to share with the world what a cutie he is, got a problem with it?  Move along.
 
The point I am trying to make here, this might be an “animal” to you, but for me and many others like me, this “animal” fills a little piece of my broken heart of not being able to give all this love to a child.  Yes, we might have a child in the near future, but still, this whole journey is heartbreaking and this animal is the only thing helping us through this, giving us a sense of responsibility, a sense of there is a little heartbeat at home we need to carry on for.  When a child comes along, we will be teaching the child the same way as us to love and respect an animal, no matter how cute or ugly, how big or small.
 
I would love to say to people who judge us on the way we treat our animals “I don’t judge the way you raise your child, why judge the way I treat my animal”, but I’m not that kind of person, so all I’m saying and asking is, “Would you rather hear and see stories of abused animals, would that make you feel better?”.
 
Please stop judging people, you will never know why they do the things they do.
 
*PS: I love children, and will never put a child aside for an animal, but I will put people’s silly views of how I treat my animals aside, for the love of my animals.

Thank you so much for letting me pour my heart out when I need it, it’s awesome to know that you read and leave message and hugs.  My phone keeps on blacking out, so leaving comments/replies are a bit difficult at this stage, but I do read your blogs too and do try to comment when my mister internet phone works with
 
Work is spinning totally out of control, we now have 3 huge accounts to run with, which means that everytime you capture your work, you log into 3 different servers, most annoying thing ever.  Inbetween all this, I am trying to catch up with my work again, seems like Monday dumped a table full of paperwork, but I’m not complaining, love to be busy, makes the days go by faster   I feel so bad, the people from Centurion is helping me now to do some stuff from their side, I think that is the most difficult part, having to deal with people, through e-mail/phone only, when you need to speak to them, needless to say, I don’t want to see the phone/e-mail bills this month.  I’m actually wishing to go to Centurion now and get it done, will make life so much easier.
 
Home life, my own family is still not talking to me, my sister also only speaks to me when she wants something, which I decided to ignore this weekend.  In laws are good, the uncle is still in hospital, should be out today, we were there twice on Saturday, had to drive up and down, but we’ve decided to not let this get to us.  Something is up with SIL, she doesn’t seem very happy,  there’s a long story there and not for me to tell, but ja, I hope she finds her mojo soon and gets back to her old self.  Hubby told me today that another uncle of his, (who we never see), asked for his help with his broken laptop, so Saturday, (we have to go do our TAX stuff at hubbies work), after that, he has to go help there.  I’m a bit peeved off with that, because seriously?  Do they only know us when they need our help?  Anyways, trying to brush it off…hubby is working their month end Friday on Friday, Saturday it’s the TAX and uncle and Sunday we have appointments for house viewing.  Next week, hubby is playing paintball in Hartbeespoortdam.  Now is not the time for that, we need to find a house, but I’m not saying a word.  This past weekend was spent with his family.  I think I saw my family in July last?
 
I am super tired, we were on leave yes, but even there had to be some issues, we had to move 2 days into our holiday as the place we stayed in was mouldy.  We had to spend unbudgeted money, and now the credit card is crying ;(  At least I got a cool bonus this year, but that went straight to our saving accounts, as we also still busy saving for a deposit on a house, and baby stuff.  I’m looking into opening another savings account now, we need to save more, we are not saving nearly enough as we should be.
 
Our rental agency is also getting on my nerves a bit, they’ve just increased our rent, our contract is expiring in December, now they want to increase it again.  We are paying R 8 000.00 a month on RENT. RENT people, rent, not our own place, rent.  So yes, if they want to increase it now again, we are definitely moving end December.  In the meantime I am also looking for houses to buy, but I don’t think I’m going to find something in time.  The agents are phoning me like crazy, but then most of them don’t get back to you.  The one bluntly told me that I am being ridiculous and that I should accept that I’m not going to find what I’m looking for.  “Asking for a place that doesn’t need “TLC” is ridiculous.”  We will see about that.  I am not paying R900 000.00 for a home that needs TLC, which means that the place needs a whole new “HOME MAKEOVER”.
 
Anyways, let me get off my soapbox and tackle all this paperwork….
 
Thanks again for your messages and hugs xxx

*Be warned, it’s a thunderous one*
 
As you know we’ve been on treatments (Clomid/Fertomed) for 3 months now, currently in our 4th month.  I don’t know what God’s whole plan is with us, maybe he thinks that I will be a bad mother or something, but EVERY SINGLE MONTH, there’s been issues with family which put our stress levels so high that the possibility of anything happening is zilch, nil, nada, nix.
 
Come this month, we think, ok cool, my family has been quiet, his family had the issues earlier, so we should be fine, cool, let’s do this thing.
 
Murphy must’ve heard us, cause hubby got a call, we have to go to the freaken Edenvale General Hospital AGAIN, because of his uncle.  Which we had to do the few days before we went on holiday, our last day of work was filled with family cr@p, our last week was filled with family cr@p, and all could’ve been prevented if the idiot took his medications like his supposed to. 
 
I cannot explain to you just how GATVOL I am of family, if it’s not the one side, it’s the other.  I sometimes just really wish we were FAR away from everyone.  I also don’t understand that we both have siblings, but the nonsense ALWAYS has to land on US?!
 
Sorry, ramble over.