I’ve been reading Teagirl’s blog this morning… and now it’s afternoon. I started waaay at the beginning, something in her latest post just snared me and I have been unable to tear my eyes away from it. Headache nonwithstanding… it is truly commendable and amazing to me how this woman stood up out of her circumstances that her husband put (and kept) her in and that her daughter Q survived his attacks. And how she got up out of the mire that her life was left in when she finally took the step to get out of her abusive marraige. Teagirl, you are truly inspiring to me. I commend you for all that you have been through and all that you have survived. A jolly good well done to you. Never give up.
On to other news… firstly… it seems that I have depression. At first I thought it was circumstantial depression but it’s been lasting longer, muuuuuuch longer than CD. I’ve been suffering from depression for very long and I just never wanted to acknowledge it. I was too proud. I mean, I’ve never suffered from it before at all. Why now? Well, it seems that CD can evolve into clinical depression after all. And since my gynae put me on a new progesterone-only pill two months ago, I’ve been feeling the burn even more. To the extent that I literally become kind of crazy. Take the fight with the new guy last month. I was stunned afterwards to read what I had written him, to acknowledge my part of the breakup. That wasn’t me. I was permanently anxious, moody, aggresive and sad about everything. It felt like my life had no meaning, that Caleb would be better off without a screw-up as his mother. And then New Guy with his ways and means didn’t know what was actually going on, and I didn’t either and our relationship flamed out in a huge way.
Now I’m feeling the burn again in my brain and I know that now it’s go-time. I would rather go back onto my previous pill and deal with irregular bleeding than deal with aggravated depression. Because that’s what it feels like. It feels aggravated. Deep down I know it was always there, but it was never aggravated by anything. Progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from shutting down and aggravates the chemical imbalance in your brain. Now I know why. And I am waiting for the call from my gynae and a new script.
I can’t handle feeling out of control like this. My emotions are all over the place and I struggle to contain or control them. And poor unfortunate New Guy (which I’ll tell you about now) is now aware of what is going on and has changed his tactic on handling me when I hit my lows. Because it ain’t pretty. I’ve joked about making a T-shirt that says ‘KEEP CALM AND ACCEPT THE CRAZY’. But why should anyone when there is help out there? I’m not going to accept it, no sir.
Okay so on to New Guy. As you are all aware we broke up end of September and a week went by that we didn’t talk. I mean, he made it completely clear that I’m too much for him to handle and that there is NO future for us. And I accepted it. I mean, how can you fight for someone who doesn’t want to be with you? I dealt with a lot of crap that week. Lots of things that I had to acknowledge and accept. Seeing one of my best friends have the jol of her life with him. My mind playing tricks on me and I honestly started to think that they’ve got something going on. But I dealt with it. I spent my free evenings at home on the couch, doing nothing. The other evenings going to see Caleb and getting home when I wanted to. I revelled in spending less on fuel and having more time to myself. But there was a big gaping gash and I hoped that it would heal quickly and that I could just forget he ever existed.
The day after I got my new phone, I bumped into him at the station. Well not really bumped, but there was a delay on the rails of the Gautrain and I knew he’d be on the same train. He usually caught the one after mine. And I didn’t see him when I got off. I went up to reload pay-as-you-go so that I could pay for my parking and then went down to the basement. And the second I stepped into the basement, I saw him, standing at his bike. I looked at him once and didn’t look again. But I had to walk past him. It was the longest, most awkward walk ever. Got into my car and he came jaaging by and very rapidly disappeared. And where I was numb at first, a very heavy, painful, hot fire began spreading through my torso and I couldn’t cry. I wanted to, so badly. And as it burned, I thought of Johnny Cash and his Ring of Fire. And as is my habit, I posted ‘and it burns, burns, burns’…. on Facebook. All about the songs, hey. About an hour after I got home and as I was talking to C on whatsapp, I got a whatsapp from New Guy… telling me that it’s better when he doesn’t seem me. I thought he was picking a fight. And I told him that there wasn’t much I could do to avoid him at the station, I guess it was going to happen. And what followed kind of blew my mind. After a very loooong conversation on Whatsapp, he was begging me to come over because he couldn’t drive (his answer to depression? Brandy and braai) but I decided not to. I told him that I would see him at the station the next morning. And I could barely sleep. My stomach was in knots.
To make this very tedious long story short… our reunion at the station the next morning was bittersweet. More sweet than bitter but yes. I thought about everything that I’d gained the past week… things that I’ve come to like… like the free time, in general and with Caleb and more fuel. And I had to decide very quickly then and there whether I was going to stay in his arms or walk away. And the truth is, I didn’t want to walk away. I wanted both of us to be able to make everything work and find ways around the obstacles as they come, not overthink and worry about things that haven’t even happened yet. And since then, things have been better. Things are worth fighting for and the obstacles are worth overcoming. I do still worry every day on whether this was a good idea… getting involved with someone so soon. I worry more than I care to admit. I worry that everything is still going to fall apart some day. This is his last chance and mine too in all probability.
So if my current pill doens’t make me completely loopy in the next two weeks, hopefully everything will be fine.
However, what do you do when the woman you love is certifiably crazy at times and you can’t do anything to help her?
I suppose run would be a good answer.