Diagnosis…

February 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

Sorry for being so very quiet but work is hectic and so is everything else. I still pop in to read the blogs but don’t get a lot of time to actually comment :(

A lot has been going on in my life since my last post. As the months had gone by since November, I’d realized that there is something wrong with me. I think I have mentioned it before on a blog entry last year. I suspected depression. First I thought it was the new pill my gynae prescribed for me in September last year. But in October I left this pill and took a two-month sabbatical from any contraception and still the crushing anxiety, fear, paranoia and insecurities didn’t go away. I’ve had my thyroid checked out (turns out that the lumpz I’m swallowing over are cystic nodules) and I’m taking meds for it to go away. The doctor said that the meds will assist with the depression, seeing as though your thyroid throws things out of whack… but mine is completely normal, except for the nodules.

So I’ve come to terms with the fact that I might have depression. After everything that’s happened last year, it is the only logical conclusion. I’ve been kept so busy by so many other things that I simply haven’t come to terms with anything. I’ve been forcing myself to get up and go no matter what but never tending to my own feelings. Always keeping everyone else happy. Putting myself out there and giving more of me that I am physically capable of. Neglecting myself, my feelings, my hurts. And on Friday I went to the doctor for gastro and she sommer prescribed me an anti-depressant.

Years ago I thought depression was just a figment of the imagination. That people who had it were weak. But my perception has changed ever since I saw and realized what it actually was and what it did to those people around me that I really care about. My sister-in-law… she’s been a beacon to me in all this time. She’s suffered from depression for a very long time and has been standing behind me all this time. I never thought I’d be diagnosed with it, but it turns out I have been and I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed to pop my little pill at 10 every morning. It is not a wonder-drug. It doesn’t remove all your problems. All your problems are still there but at least you are able to face them with a sound mind and clear vision, instead of sitting in that deep dark hole down below, with everyone looking down at you. Throwing ropes and begging for you to come out and yet you can’t move. And the more you just stay there… the deeper you go until finally you realize that it’s either death… or help.

During the last month I’ve contemplated suicide a couple of times. When I start thinking of how my financial situation is just not letting up; just not getting better. Every month is a struggle. I can’t change jobs, i’m stuck here cos I have no qualifications. I’m studying through work for said qualification and therefore, I am fulfilling a workback agreement and I am stuck. My finances will not get better, not even with an annual increase. I am stuck and this depresses me. The thought that other people have to provide for my child what he needs… it kills me. The fact that my son can’t stay with me as he is supposed to… kills me. The fact that I have to always go see him there where he lives with his dad because he gets bored in my little flat kills me. Up until Friday morning all these things were slowly but surely driving me to end it all.

But the pills have given me hope. Maybe I am weak. I don’t care. All i know is that I was steadily declining and pushing away anybody that could help me. Everybody I loved. I would have died in my own despair, and possibly because of my own doing. All alone in my flat, with everybody wondering what had become of me… And I didn’t want to be that. I realized long before I took the pills that I have so much to live for… if I could just get past myself, past my anxiety and despair, I would have a chance to. I would enjoy what I do have in life that has so much more meaning than the materialistic. Like my son. He brings me joy. I register the feeling of joy but my body just won’t react to those happy endorphins. Now, it will. It does.

I am hopeful that in a couple more weeks’ time, I will be able to live my life as normally as I possibly can.

I just had to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers,

Tourmaline

Back to the drawing board

January 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

It’s January again… happy new year everybody! I hope the new year is prosperous and full of blessings for each and everyone.

Well what can I say? Spent a very looooong two weeks without Caleb; he went to the Cape with C and family. They left the weekend before Christmas and came back the weekend after New Year. I kept myself busy, New Guy and I went to his parents’ farm in Delmas for Christmas, came back to Pretoria, went to Nelspruit for a long weekend to my dad and stepmom, came back, and spent New Year’s back on the farm in Delmas. It was a busy time, added to the fact that my bank card was cloned and R 5600.00 taken from my account. But thanks to FNB’s stellar customer service, I got the money back.

Otherwise, nothing much to report.

Of Caleb, I can tell you loads. He is now 2 years and 2 months old, 0.9 meters tall and a stocky little lad. His talking skills are amazing and he’s speaking in full sentences. He’s a very tenacious little guy and doesn’t stand back. He won his first fight on his fourth day back at school, and although we do not condone fighting nor are we proud of him being able to pound someone with a fist, his teacher did say that she saw the whole thing happen and that he defended himself. He doesn’t let bullies take him down. The boy scratched him in the face and Caleb turned around, tackled him and whooped his ass. The other child wasn’t hurt and he had no bruises, but he stood down. Caleb is a brave little boy, just as his legacy states. Caleb means brave and he doesn’t fear anything, except maybe the dark and definitely thunder. Both two things that you can’t fight. He’s started to learn how to swim and just jumps into the pool (with Dad or grandpa in it, mind you) and it’s such a struggle to get him out. He will talk to you, lips blue and trembling but he won’t get out. It’s usually a biiiiiig tantrum when it’s time to dry off, but luckily there’s plenty to distract him once he’s out and he forgets that he was ever upset.

Wednesday night I put him to bed (meaning C’s bed because Caleb’s cot is too small for him now) and laid down with him, giving him his bottle. As he drank it, he took my hand (at first I thought he was fighting it and I pulled it away, only to see him groping around for it until I brought my hand closer again) and then proceeded to pull my fingers across his face and hair, chest and stomach and then down to his feet. It was a very touching gesture to me. As he got more sleepier, he turned on his side, snuggled into my chest and threw his arm over my neck. I didn’t want to move. At all. I continued to stroke his hair and whispered to him how much I love and miss him, until he blissfully started snoring. That was my cue to get up and go home. But I did so with a very warm, fiery heart.

My relationship with C is still good and we will fight to the death to keep it that way. Every now and again there is an instigator who tries to make trouble between us, but we talk it out and keep things friendly for Caleb’s sake. He is still my best friend and my confidant and since they went to the sea, I’ve missed both of them terribly. Odd. 2013 was a hectic, harrowing, horrible year for us all and I truly hope that this year will be the best year he ever had, with regards to love, life and work. I’ve basically destroyed him, something I hate myself for, and the only wish that I could extend to him is that I hope that he finds someone who will make him feel like a king and never hurt him like I’ve done. We talk a lot about how good it used to be and everything we’ve lost, and while he’s admitted that he still loves me very much, he could never take me back. And I would never ask him, regardless. I don’t deserve him but I do appreciate him and all that he still means to me.

Work is going on as always. A lot of changes lie ahead for CE and myself and we are looking forward to the new challenges we face. We are both studying for our Higher Diplomas in HR and I must admit, I’m terrified that I won’t see it through. My schedule is hectic. I see Caleb every second evening and the other evenings, the hours run by so fast that only cooking dinner, showering etc seems to take too long. And I’m very wary of giving up my sleep. Lack of sleep makes you fat, you know.

I’ve started my own dieting regime. Nothing too hectic, just sticking to the healthy(er) stuff and minimizing stuff like Coke, sugar and full cream milk. Also cutting out starches. I’ve been living off chicken and salad this whole week and have only eaten starch once yesterday, when the canteen’s italian meatballs and spaghetti seemed too good to resist. But I decided that I will not chew off my wrists just because I occassionally cheat on my diet. I’m doing it to feel good, not to look good for the rest of the world. And yesterday I went out for some exercise. Had a brisk walk and jogged a bit (had to stop because my shorts kept threatening to obey the laws of gravity – they’ve been too big for ages, from too much wear and wash). Then I got home and planked. Yes, planked. It works your core muscles like you won’t believe and I’m afraid that tomorrow I won’t even be able to cough or fart. It’s like pilates, just lying down. I was hoping to shock mother nature into whipping up a storm for Pretoria, seeing as though it was so damn hot but she apparently didn’t think it was shocking enough. Will have to up my game so this damn heatwave can break.

I’ve been catching up on the blogs slowly but surely and hope to comment on them all. I’ve missed the forum so much since I stopped.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Be safe.

Cheers

Tourmaline

What future do our kids have…

October 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’m absolutely stunned and apalled by what I’ve read and seen over the last week… two girls beating up another one at Overkruin, a school I know well… the victim’s head bashed into a window. Not protecting herself at all, just flailing to not get hurt too badly.

And then today… A boy involved in a fight at his school… beaten and stabbed… dead. That is someone’s child.

What are the chances of that ever becoming my child?

I cannot bear to think about my precious Caleb ever getting involved in fights; ever being in danger. But I know that at some point in his life, something will probably threaten him. At some point, he will come home with a bloody nose or a swollen eye. If he’s that lucky.

Now I’m not enticing trouble for my son. I pray every single day that he will be safe; that his way forward will be protected. That he will outlive us, as is the natural way of life. I cannot imagine anything happening to him. And once again, my heart is so broken for every single person today that’s lost a child… young or old…

My heart goes out to the parents of young Bongani who was killed at school… no intervention, pupils standing around and recording the entire murder on a phone… what has become of today’s children? What has become of the world?? Why do we have to lose our children?? Why isn’t there a lightning round for those who murder or abuse children?

On another note… there’s another video that’s gone viral. Of a little baby girl who gets emotional over her mother’s voice and cries so softly and gently like I’ve never seen a baby cry. This sent me into tears yesterday. I watched it twice and I sat here crying like a buffoon.Maybe because I miss Caleb so much. Since Monday I’ve been crying a lot over him…

I’m now divorced.

Have a good one.

Cheers,

Tourmaline

 

Depression vs Bliss

October 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’ve been reading Teagirl’s blog this morning… and now it’s afternoon. I started waaay at the beginning, something in her latest post just snared me and I have been unable to tear my eyes away from it. Headache nonwithstanding… it is truly commendable and amazing to me how this woman stood up out of her circumstances that her husband put (and kept) her in and that her daughter Q survived his attacks. And how she got up out of the mire that her life was left in when she finally took the step to get out of her abusive marraige.  Teagirl, you are truly inspiring to me. I commend you for all that you have been through and all that you have survived. A jolly good well done to you. Never give up.

On to other news… firstly… it seems that I have depression. At first I thought it was circumstantial depression but it’s been lasting longer, muuuuuuch longer than CD. I’ve been suffering from depression for very long and I just never wanted to acknowledge it. I was too proud. I mean, I’ve never suffered from it before at all. Why now? Well, it seems that CD can evolve into clinical depression after all. And since my gynae put me on a new progesterone-only pill two months ago, I’ve been feeling the burn even more. To the extent that I literally become kind of crazy. Take the fight with the new guy last month. I was stunned afterwards to read what I had written him, to acknowledge my part of the breakup. That wasn’t me. I was permanently anxious, moody, aggresive and sad about everything. It felt like my life had no meaning, that Caleb would be better off without a screw-up as his mother. And then New Guy with his ways and means didn’t know what was actually going on, and I didn’t either and our relationship flamed out in a huge way.

Now I’m feeling the burn again in my brain and I know that now it’s go-time. I would rather go back onto my previous pill and deal with irregular bleeding than deal with aggravated depression. Because that’s what it feels like. It feels aggravated. Deep down I know it was always there, but it was never aggravated by anything. Progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from shutting down and aggravates the chemical imbalance in your brain. Now I know why. And I am waiting for the call from my gynae and a new script.

I can’t handle feeling out of control like this. My emotions are all over the place and I struggle to contain or control them. And poor unfortunate New Guy (which I’ll tell you about now) is now aware of what is going on and has changed his tactic on handling me when I hit my lows. Because it ain’t pretty. I’ve joked about making a T-shirt that says ‘KEEP CALM AND ACCEPT THE CRAZY’. But why should anyone when there is help out there? I’m not going to accept it, no sir.

Okay so on to New Guy. As you are all aware we broke up end of September and a week went by that we didn’t talk. I mean, he made it completely clear that I’m too much for him to handle and that there is NO future for us. And I accepted it. I mean, how can you fight for someone who doesn’t want to be with you? I dealt with a lot of crap that week. Lots of things that I had to acknowledge and accept. Seeing one of my best friends have the jol of her life with him. My mind playing tricks on me and I honestly started to think that they’ve got something going on. But I dealt with it. I spent my free evenings at home on the couch, doing nothing. The other evenings going to see Caleb and getting home when I wanted to. I revelled in spending less on fuel and having more time to myself. But there was a big gaping gash and I hoped that it would heal quickly and that I could just forget he ever existed.

The day after I got my new phone, I bumped into him at the station. Well not really bumped, but there was a delay on the rails of the Gautrain and I knew he’d be on the same train. He usually caught the one after mine. And I didn’t see him when I got off. I went up to reload pay-as-you-go so that I could pay for my parking and then went down to the basement. And the second I stepped into the basement, I saw him, standing at his bike. I looked at him once and didn’t look again. But I had to walk past him. It was the longest, most awkward walk ever. Got into my car and he came jaaging by and very rapidly disappeared. And where I was numb at first, a very heavy, painful, hot fire began spreading through my torso and I couldn’t cry. I wanted to, so badly. And as it burned, I thought of Johnny Cash and his Ring of Fire. And as is my habit, I posted ‘and it burns, burns, burns’…. on Facebook. All about the songs, hey. About an hour after I got home and as I was talking to C on whatsapp, I got a whatsapp from New Guy… telling me that it’s better when he doesn’t seem me. I thought he was picking a fight. And I told him that there wasn’t much I could do to avoid him at the station, I guess it was going to happen. And what followed kind of blew my mind. After a very loooong conversation on Whatsapp, he was begging me to come over because he couldn’t drive (his answer to depression? Brandy and braai) but I decided not to. I told him that I would see him at the station the next morning. And I could barely sleep. My stomach was in knots.

To make this very tedious long story short… our reunion at the station the next morning was bittersweet. More sweet than bitter but yes. I thought about everything that I’d gained the past week… things that I’ve come to like… like the free time, in general and with Caleb and more fuel. And I had to decide very quickly then and there whether I was going to stay in his arms or walk away. And the truth is, I didn’t want to walk away. I wanted both of us to be able to make everything work and find ways around the obstacles as they come, not overthink and worry about things that haven’t even happened yet. And since then, things have been better. Things are worth fighting for and the obstacles are worth overcoming. I do still worry every day on whether this was a good idea… getting involved with someone so soon. I worry more than I care to admit. I worry that everything is still going to fall apart some day. This is his last chance and mine too in all probability.

So if my current pill doens’t make me completely loopy in the next two weeks, hopefully everything will be fine.

However, what do you do when the woman you love is certifiably crazy at times and you can’t do anything to help her?

I suppose run would be a good answer.

Cheers.

Tourmaline

Proud Mama

October 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

Yesterday on my way to Caleb, I got a whatsapp from C. It said ” guess who’s rolling without a nappy!”

Took me a minute to grasp what he was saying… I mean the last time we mentioned potty training, Caleb was just starting to show interest in flushing the toilet and not really doing much else. But the school sent him off home without a nappy yesterday and only his little underpants on.

And while I still feel it might be too early because I haven’t seen signs yet of him being ready to potty train, I am very proud. I don’t want them to push him into potty training, it will only make him more averse to the idea and take longer. But as soon as I got there, he promptly wee’d through the whole ensemble, like a little excited puppy LOL. We quickly changed him and Grandpa later put on a nappy for him.

But I suppose this is the beginning of yet another milestone to beat! My little boy is growing up too fast.

He will be 2 next month and C and I have yet to get going with his party-planning. We have a theme in mind but how to go about it, I have no idea.

Just thought I’d update quick. Any thoughts, comments or advice about potty training, please share! Would appreciate greatly!

Cheers,

Tourmaline

My little man

September 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

I have no idea how to post pictures on this blasted site. Sorry, I would have loved to post a couple of pictures of Caleb for y’all to see.

Caleb is now bordering on 21 months old. He’s the epitomy of a little ruffian… he’s full of bruises, cuts and chafes… because he can’t sit still and has absolutely no fear of anything. He jumps off things, runs chasing things, kicks his ball like a little future Springbokkie and babbles like it’s nobody’s business. He’s starting with complete sentences now, but not long ones.

And then the other quiet little boy comes out when he wants a nap or a cuddle. He’ll come sit on my lap and demand a ‘movie!’ Then we put in Cars 2, Gnomeo & Juliet or Puss in Boots… and he’ll sit still and cuddle for 15 minutes and then it’s off to find another adventure.

Not really potty training yet… He seems averse to the idea even though we got him a little toilet seat that fits on the toilet and the little step-thingie. He shows signs of interest in the toilet and even says ‘piepie’ when you take off his nappy for bath time… but I reckon we’ve got a loooooooong way to go. He’s a bit of a late bloomer, and his cousin Jordan is practically potty trained already. Come to think of it, she’s almost 2 already. Wow how time flies.

Things were difficult at first when C and I separated. His parents took Caleb away the weekend we moved out of our place. And from then, it took two and a half months for my little boy to register that I’m his mama. All of a sudden, when they came back, Grandma and Grandpa were there every day and Mommy only every second day… He didn’t acknowledge me at all.

But things are so much better now. The other night he wanted me to cuddle with while he had his bottle before bed. And it was me who put him down and lied with him until he fell asleep. See, I have a lot more time on my hands right now, now that Scumbag and I have parted ways. Now I don’t have to leave at 8:00 so that I can go answer to whatever whim he’d gotten. Now I can actually stay to put my son to bed. And I love it. While the heartache sucks, I am being rewarded in a whole lot of other ways. Things I’ve missed but didn’t realize it because my time was being maxed out.

How stupid of me to let that happen. Caleb needs me more than any man ever will.

I’ve been reading up on the five stages of grief over the weekend. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. We were in denial looooong before we broke up. Anger on the day we broke up. Bargaining the day afterwards and the resounding slap in the face when he said no, I’m too crazy for him. Depression since then… I’m still waiting for acceptance to hit me. It can hit me with a slap too, I won’t mind.

At least I am surrounded with a couple of good friends. And I thank God for them. One of them is Scumbag’s. Luckily she doesn’t let anyone dictate to her who she can kuier with. For that I am grateful.

And I got a tattoo this weekend… a tribute to my son. If someone can just help me and explain how to upload pics, I’ll be happy to post some pictures of Caleb and the tattoo.

Lastly, I got my Samsung Galaxy S4 mini today. It’s so nice to have something new that you got for yourself. And not relying on someone else to do it for you because they’re better off financially.

One thing about me is that I am determined to succeed on my own. And while I was being supressed, I fought to retain my independence and finally now I have it. I have my own flat, my own stuff, a few borrowed pieces of furniture, my own car (the bakkie was sold) and now, my own android smartphone. Stupid materialistic things, but for me, somehow, it’s just proof that I can succeed on my own.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers,

T

The pain saga continues

September 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

Sorry I’ve been quiet since my last post. All sorts of shit hit the fan and once again… all because of my own lack of discernment and this sick masochistic need to make other people happy.

I’m sure you all will agree with me how stupid and pathetic I am when you’ve finished reading what I’m about to write.

I’ve once again managed to become attached to someone else… this happened a couple of months ago when C and I already separated. At first it was friendship… then it became more. To the point of loving that person. But as time went on and we got to know each other more, we realized how truly incompatible we are. We couldn’t reach middle ground about anything and C was his greatest threat. It is NEVER a good idea to fall for someone who is younger than you. Bad idea. They still have the mentality you had two years ago. And as time went on I realized that this person is judgmental, self-righteous and never EVER does anything wrong. He wanted to be the centre of my universe. Though he understood that Caleb was first and even though he whined about how he wanted to spend time with Caleb too, I couldn’t allow it. C didn’t want that and I get his perspective. (Yes, by the way. C knew about this all – scumbag Tourmaline). C didn’t want Caleb to become confused and I understood it and this jackass said he did too. But in the end, he didn’t. He couldn’t understand that C and I kept things civil and have remained friends for Caleb’s sake. He wanted me to fight for Caleb and make a whole ugly situation of it all. He wanted me to do things his way and to think like him… and I couldn’t. I refused to be something he created and to become someone I’m not.

So basically, yesterday this all went down horribly. In flames. Basically fertilizer set alight. The whole thing had this horrible ending to it and I am literally heart-broken. Again. For the second time this year. It’s like dealing with two divorces at once. The human heart can only take so much. Mine doesn’t feel like it can bear anymore weight. It’s as heavy as if I’ve hung an anvil from it. I feel like a horse has kicked me all over my chest and diaphragm and my stomach is in knots. I’ve never been so hurt by words like yesterday and I feel so horribly stupid. Stupid, because I knew. This guy warned me what he was. And I knew that eventually everything would go up in flames and that I would feel like this, but stupidly, I clung to hope that somehow it could still become something meaningful. Something worthy of holding on to.

Bad mistake. BIG mistake. One would think that I would act my full 28 years and actually listen to my instincts. But no. I’ve once again relied on others to carry me through and even worse, I’ve relied on someone I knew I couldn’t trust with my heart to be there for me. And I really tried to be there for him in every way possible. I tried. But it all became too much and I was stretched beyond what I could take. And the more we tried to save whatever the hell this was, the more we screwed up. Until finally I was told yesterday that I’m too negative for him… that I was drawing him downwards and that he can’t stand being around me anymore because I let my emotions lead me in everything I do. As opposed to being cold, calculating and only showing emotion when he was drunk.

This might sound horrible, but I hope he knocks up the next girl who’s willing and stupid enough to trust him. Then he’ll know the true meaning of hell and complications. Sorry, bad Tourmaline!! Sorry sorry sorry… my fingers are on autopilot here. Really… sorry.

Basically I succumbed to a rebound as if I’m 16 years old. But now, I’m done. It’s over. I don’t want to see another man for the next 3 years. Not socially, not emotionally and especially not romantically. I have finally learned my lesson. And at the tender age of 28 I have been played and used for the very last time.

Update on Caleb to follow next time.

Cheers.

T

Back to blogging

September 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

Hi there everyone… after a long absence and lots of crap, drama, hair flying everywhere and tears, I am back to the world of blogging. Little Miss Nosy who used to read up on my blog has left the company and has hopefully long since forgot about me, so now I feel like I can get back to my manner of therapy. This platform was always my therapy and I had wonderful friends here who supported me and never hurt me. And it’s so good to be back.

Although I am scared that what I have to tell y’all will prompt a certain response, a response that I have become so used to in these past 8 months. My life has been up and down and my emotions and my soul stretched to the max, beyond capacity. My motherly instinct has been tested beyond reprieve and everything that I deemed important has now gone to pot. And while most of it is my own fault, I have finally reached the point where I am now ready to put it behind me and do my best forward, for myself and for Caleb.

First things first… I am in the process of getting divorced. Almost Ex-hubby and I just couldn’t resolve our differences and we couldn’t get back on track. We couldn’t sort out our sex life and while it all hurt so much, it hurt me more to stay with him and to constantly reject him. After four months of deliberating and fighting and counseling, we decided to call it quits. Actually, I guess I made the final decision. He wanted to fight for it all when the fight was already long since out of me… long after I’d finally given up and I knew I shouldn’t have. Our family would still be whole but how on earth do you force yourself to stay with someone? There are people out there who do it yes… and I have all the world’s respect for them. BUt I wasn’t able to. I have a lot of very painful regrets and a lot of what-if’s and why’s but there’s no answer for any of it. I never thought that I would reach this point… but honestly, looking at all my posts about my pregnancy and everything after that, I realized just how far back the problems became real problems and how both of us simply failed to correct them. We failed each other dismally and worst of all, our son. How I wish I could go back in time… but it I did, I wouldn’t have Caleb. In the end, everything we’ve been going through is still worth it only because of Caleb.

Secondly… due to my circumstances (working in Sandton, using the Gautrain and earning half of what C does), he is now the primary parent and I am secondary… Meaning that my son is not with me. He stays with his father with the grandparents. Let me tell you… those first few months were hell on earth. Caleb wouldn’t look at me, he would hardly acknowledge me. And when he did, he hit or kicked me and went about his business. Small little tyke that he is… he was so capable of those strong emotions that it broke me completely. Hardest of all was admitting to myself that I was the reason why. A small little boy like him shouldn’t experience anger and sadness like that. He’s two months shy from being two years old and I feel that I’ve already broken my child beyond repair and nothing that I do forward is going to ever fix him or make it better. Though I’m doing everything I can. There is no fixing this and can only be there for him when he needs me. I see him every second night during the week and both weekend days. C and I are amicable and civil and we are doing our best not to hurt Caleb any more than he has already been hurt. We go 50/50 on all Caleb’s expenses and include each other in everything that concerns him.

2013 has not been a good year for me at all. And for those who wondered… the man who was the catalyst for all this shit coming out into the open is no longer a factor… hasn’t been since 11 January this year. While I see him around here at work, we never talk.

I am just a broken piece of person longing for my child…

But this blog entry is becoming very long and tomorrow I will carry on, updating y’all on the rest.

It’s good to be back… balsem for the soul.

Cheers

Tourmaline

 

 

Closure

February 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

After much thought and consideration I have decided to – for now – deactivate my blog.

I will miss you all, those of you who want to stay in contact, inbox me your email addresses, I’m going to be deactivating it either this afternoon or tomorrow.

This blog REALLY is no longer safe and I don’t want the whole office to know what is going on in my life.

If I ever start a new one on a different blog forum, I’ll make sure to send you the link.

Cheers

Tourmaline

The trials of being mom…

February 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

… to an almost 15 month-old little boy…

Yesterday Caleb took 2 plunges off the couch… same couch, different times. Firstly he started off by hanging over the arm rest (while I’m sitting next to him) like a little baboon. This has happened before and when he started tipping over, I’d usually catch him by the seat of his pants (literally) and then tell him not to do it. And yesterday it just happened too quickly. Despite numerous warnings and cautions that he should sit down. He toppled over, hit his head on his toy chest and then hit the ground with a smack. Much crying and consoling ensued, with me laughing hysterically like an idiot due to the shock! Eventually he calmed down and was sporting a big blue lump on the side of his head. You’d think he’d learned his lesson then. Nope. Later the evening, I was making food and Hubby kept telling Caleb to get off the couch, to sit still. Caleb just decided to keep on monkeying around on the couch and a second later… whoomp. There he goes. More crying ensues and he sommer got a smack on the bottom so that he can learn THAT THE COUCHES ARE NOT FOR RUNNING!!

Someone asked me this morning why do we allow him on the couches… um, you try to keep him off and let me know how it goes. He’s entered the tantrum phase, he throws a vloer-moer for everything, even just a reprimand to stay off the couches. He climbs the stairs and when we tell him to come down, get off the damn stairs, we just get that innocent little but-I-don’t-want-to face. The gate we got as a present to keep him off the stairs doesn’t fit so we have to literally watch him very carefully. He’s a little ruffian and I have a feeling it’s going to get worse.

We’re not setting him up to get hurt. But I feel a certain amount of tough love must be employed. Yes he’s going to fall, hit his head but he’ll learn that way. I mean, he trips over his own two feet and hits the ground with a smack. There is no way to protect your children from this.

Other than that, he comes back from school looking far worse. I mean he comes home with his face scratched, his legs scratched, full of bruises and scrapes. Everyone says ag he’s a little boy, he’s supposed to look like that. Um not if the school is teaching him to push his limits and get hurt as often as he can! Don’t they have any control?? Or is it normal for a child his age to push the limits? Do all the other kids do that?? Anyone?

I don’t even know what my point was…

Things are still very confusing on the home front. I don’t know which way to go or what to do. All I know is that our move date is approaching in a month’s time and by then I’ll have to know what I’m going to do. Hubby is as obstinate as a donkey en deaf as one to boot. He’s not hearing anything that I’m saying, the only thing he spouts is endless optimism and even more endless variants of ‘go see someone like a psychologist’. I’m not mental, just gatvol!! I’ve long passed the point that I’ve given up on both of us and our marriage and I’m only there for Caleb. I’ve gotten endless advice from friends saying that I should then just cut my losses… sounds easy but in reality it’s not. It’s hard to make a decision; I’m scared of hurting him and I know it will be inevitable, I’m scared of the consequences and I’m also scared that I’m not strong enough to do this. To survive it. I’m scared I’ll lose my child and be regarded as a kak mother for the rest of my life just because I turned my back on my marriage. I’m scared of all the judgment, the prejudices, the anger and the pain that will no doubt be hurled my way. I will stand alone. And I’m not even sure if I’ll manage to stand. Even now I’m permanently anxious, I have a mild anxiety attack yesterday and I’m not even sure why. I don’t sleep well, I don’t eat well and I’m exhausted. What do you do when your marriage and your life is what is slowly draining you, drop for drop until there’s nothing left but an empty shell? And for what? Because I put others before myself? That is who I am, it is in my nature and I can’t change it but heck, I’m going to die slowly if I don’t.

I’m one massively confused mess, that’s for sure. And it’s not getting better. I’ve fantasized about just disappearing at night… but one look at my son takes away all thoughts of such a nature. He is the only thing that is making my life worth living, that is making me go on every single day. Even with the tantrums and the no-mommy moments.

I guess I wish that this all could be resolved peacefully, that we go our separate ways and remain united for our son. But that’s a foolish dream, I know.

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