The journey progresses...

Looking at Caleb this morning, I realise once again how I’m finally in the right place in my life. He wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.

When I was 19 I discovered the wilder side of life. Clubbing, drinking, partying… and lust. More than once lust was mistaken for love and I used the product of it so vicariously, and recklessly that it really is a miracle that I didn’t become a single mother so soon in my life.

Or is it a miracle? I think it was Godly intervention. As crazy as it might sound to you, and those who don’t believe in God… I do. I believe his angels were with me through every single stupid, dumb, reckless decision that I made. And I made a lot. I made them all. I always swore that I would make every stupid decision there was to make when it came to relationships, so that when I was married one day, I wouldn’t be tempted to make them again. I cheated. I slept around (not proud of it, I don’t want to know how many times how many people called me a slut) and I broke hearts again and again. I got mine broken too. I’ve experienced more pain than I could imagine, and one of those dumb decisions resulted in me being date-raped. I know it’s not my fault that the guy did it, but it is my fault that I decided that he was trustworthy. One particular instance of unrequited love also stands out. After giving myself to someone whom I was genuinely in love with, he told me that he loves me too, but that I’m not good or ambitious enough for him. “What would my parents think if I come home with someone who hasn’t achieved anything in her life?” Those were his words. A knife through my heart. Doesn’t hurt anymore but that’s the heartbreak that taught me more than one valuable lesson about life and love.

I dabbled in unsafe sex, usually followed by a night of kuiering in a club. Never strangers, though. Always a friend or a boyfriend. And not once did I ever get pregnant unplanned, or catch an STD, or AIDS. God was with me, even though I’m sure my whimsical and reckless behaviour must have saddened Him very much. Because none of those things were destined for me. God had greater things planned for me, I believe. Long ago a pastor told me that my path it set out for me, greater than I can ever imagine if I just let Him steer me there. And after every single wrong decision I made that deviated me off my path, He brought me back. Took me longer to get on the right one, yes, but here I am. I see it in my mind’s eye like I’m on a map. The road God intended for me was a thick, shimmering pearly white line. And each decision I made was darker, thinner, more crooked. Some had cracks in. The bottom line of this is that no matter how many times I went off the road, I came back. I might have missed out on so many opportunities God had planned for me, but still, I came back. On the right road there are doors everywhere, and those I skipped by going off the path were closed. But on the wrong paths there were open doors too. That’s life!

Only after surrendering my life to God and asking Him to send the right man on my path after so many wrong ones, and so many wasted hopes and dreams with each and every once of them did Hubby cross my path. He crossed my path while I was still with a wrong guy! That night I realized what I really wanted in a man; that he was sitting next to me and that the guy I was with was all kinds of wrong, but I was stubborn. Hubby wasn’t the type of guy I dated at all and I pushed it to the back of my mind. When I broke up with that other crazy control-freak of a guy, Hubby came back into view unexpectedly, and this is after I surrendered my will to God and also decided that I’ve gotten hurt too long, and that I just want to be on my own. And four months later we were engaged, and five months after that married. The person I thought wasn’t my type became the man for me and I love him in a totally different way than I used to ‘love’ everyone else.

The point of this blog is… after taking so many reckless chances with my body, I never had anything to account for; I was always lucky, taken care of by a higher power. There was a pregnancy scare once but nothing happened. Only after marrying Hubby, and licking up a few blocks of salt with him did I finally fall pregnant. It was one of my dreams for 2011; I remember drawing up a list early this year, as one of my goals… and two months later I was pregnant with Caleb. This is how I know that I’m on God’s path for my life… married to a Godly man, and the mother of a little miracle ordained by God himself. Cos whoever denies that the hand of God is in the creation of a new life is a fool in my eyes. Sorry if I’m judging anyone, it is not my intention but if you go think about how our bodies are put together, so perfectly and so complex, nothing but God could have created us. We are perfectly created in His eyes and we have been created in His image.

I end this blog, my last one for 2011 on this note. I will keep on placing my life in God’s hands. After He blessed me with everything I have now, how can I be anything but thankful? And I know that whatever He has planned for us for 2012, His will won’t ever take us where His grace cannot protect us. We enter this new year as a new family, after starting 2011 as only two.

Happy new year to you all, with lots of love from me, Hubby and Caleb. May all your dreams come true in this new year.

Tourmaline

Any idea how to remove the baby ticker from my blog?? Guess it’s not doing me any good anymore…

This morning the kitchen floor was crawling with maggots… guess we forgot to take out the trash!! I hate maggots… they feast on dead bodies… that alone grosses the hell out of me. The maid quickly sorted them out  but to my chagrin, another horror was waiting for me…

Remember we had to throw away/sell our old couches and bed and stuff because of the bedbugs?? Well we thought everything was all good… but it turns out the effing bugs have remained in the headboard!! I went upstairs earlier to put Caleb down and read a bit while the maid was cleaning downstairs, and on my book, there was a huge bedbug… strolling about. I killed it and immediately let Hubby know. I tried to fumigate the room but the stupid fogger doesn’t work. Hubby’s got to bring another one home, I will not have the little shits infest our house like it did before, especially not our child’s clothes and bed!! I will NOT!!!! That’s one of the reasons we moved, got a new bed, new couches… and we treated that damn headboard!!! But no! I’m sorry, my stepmom can have a bitch fit because her precious bedroom set is now infested, but it’s not our fault. We don’t live like pigs. I don’t know where the kak came from in the first place but I want them dead and out of our lives forever!!

Really psyched about Nelspruit, now that we decided to go. My dad can’t wait either. Oh, Jacqui’s double mastectomy was successful but she’s heartbroken. Her last form of womanhood, now gone. She had a hysterectomy for Stepmom’s brother to keep him happy and interested (he didn’t want any more children – he’s already written off two kids) and now she’s broken She’ll have to have 6 sessions of chemo… that really sucks, it makes a person so sick!

Short post again today, gotta go tend to a niggly baby boy!

Cheers, lots of love and hugs to everyone!

Tourmaline

My one friend was induced at midnight last night… and Kyla Gwen Janse van Rensburg was born at 3:45  this morning, weighing a healthy 4.08 kg!! I haven’t as of yet been able to determine whether it was a normal birth like C wanted, or a c-section like the doctor wanted, but Kyla was a surprise. C and her fiance had names for both sexes picked out and they were thoroughly surprised by the little girl! I’m so happy for them!! C and I met at the reunion the other day and we’ve become rather close friends! I wish I could drive so we could go see them!

Argh still in two minds about Nelspruit. Why can’t we decide??? Should we rather just stay at home? I mean, if you can’t make up your mind wouldn’t the best option be not to do anything then? Why is it such a struggle? I guess since now it’s not just us anymore, now we have to keep in mind how the journey will affect Caleb. Will his routine be interrupted there? Sorry I know I’m agonizing about this in a hectic way and it’s probably driving you guys crazy. But how does one decide? My desire to see my parents are warring with my desire to keep Caleb safe from mozzies and happy in his environment. Will someone please come over here and smack me so I can make up my mind?

Your thoughts on this?

Tourmaline

I used to think that Blackberries are overrated… until I got one. And now, like so many others, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have another phone again. It’s just so easy. Everything you need in one little package. I chose a red one! Wanted a purple one but Manager Lady’s got a purple one, so I rather picked another color. I’ve already connected to a few people on BBM, two of them bloggers

Caleb is now four weeks old. He’s getting heavy and he’s exactly as long as Jordan, who is now ten weeks old. His hands are bigger than hers He’s really a little gem, even though we are still struggling with the cramps. But we cope with the Telament, even if it is a damn expensive coping mechanism for him. But anyway, money is no issue when it comes to the wellbeing of your child. We learnt that really quickly – how insanely quickly you can fall in love with this little thing and will want to do anything to help him. When I get a little impatient, I always feel like a dog, and a bad mother for losing it when his niggling is the only way to show me that something’s wrong. I keep telling Hubby that Caleb’s screamy crying is the only way he can communicate with us, and we should work harder at ourselves to understand that and not lose patience.

I am getting better at this, and I’m proud of myself. I got up last night three times without feeling resentful that Hubby is snoring away or that Caleb is niggling… I fed him, changed him and then burped him – resulting in him falling asleep in my arms, and me finding a very comfy sitting position in which I slept! And slept well, surprisingly.

It seems he’s developing a little bit of eczema on his face… he gets if from me. I’ve also had a renewed outbreak on my hands, but it’s due to sticking my hands inside Ajax Bleach dishwater… oddly, Sunlight does nothing.

My friend M whose husband is divorcing her to be a ‘free agent’ is available to come and look after the cats should we want to go to Nelspruit. Maaaan, I really want to go. We can leave early on Saturday morning so as not to get caught in the heat, and we can go buy the baby mozzie stuff so that the mozzies don’t eat our child. But we’re still deciding…

Just got the most horrifying news – Jacqui, a friend of my father and stepmother (and ex-girlfriend of step-uncle) is being operated tomorrow – double mastectomy. She stood by my grandmother’s side last year when she was very quickly detereorating due to pancreas cancer and carried uncle through the mourning process when she died… until he dumped her for a young thing my age. And now she’s got breast cancer… I’m covered in goosebumps and I’m horrified I can’t believe it.

Our office was broken into, without any damage to the doors. We think it was an inside job with that crazy bitch who we fired a while ago at the helm. Who else would know where the petty cash is held, and whose hard drives are whose…

Gotta go, Caleb is starting to niggle for his next feed! Have a great day, y’all!

Tourmaline

TMI warning…

The demon from the depths haven’t gone… on the contrary, it’s become worse since Caleb was born. I am talking about ‘the aambui’.

Things went well for a week or two. That’s why I thought it was gone. But on Sunday, the torture started and at first it didn’t occur to me what was happening. It is now extremely painful to go do THAT thing. It’s like blades. And it bleeds. I fear loo-time. With everything in me. I’ve got an ointment but I used it diligently during pregnancy and the aambui didn’t go away… I wonder if this ointment will do it any good now… I can only resume using it diligently and hope for the best. I don’t even want to think about a removal operation and how k@k sore that must be. No pun intended.

LOL Caleb hosed me down last night. That’s what it felt like! I just bathed him and Hubby was lounging on the bed with us while I was creaming and powdering the little monster, and all of a sudden, while looking away, I felt my lap go warm… hehe he did it properly. He was lying there with his little lower lip trembling from cold and goo-gooing and gurgling and it was like he was saying “I’ve had it, I’m freezing woman!! Take that!” And pssshhh… Hubby cracked himself.

Hubby’s work is having their year-end braai today. And the way he puts it, the manager stands with a checklist and gives everyone a braai-pakkie that contains a chop, worsie and a steakie… and each employee may only get ONE cooldrink. It’s gonna be a dry braai. This manager insists on doing everything himself. I mean EVERYTHING. He’s a great person but a k@k manager, he has no people skills nor managerial skills. Just a hooch sitting in a high position trying to control everything. Hubby is very negative about things over there. They have no health and safety measures put in place. Yesterday the factory overflowed due to the rain and the guys are welding with 220 amps of electricity… should they stand in water and there’s an electrical short, they will be electrocuted. I told Hubby yesterday that if anything ever happens to him due to that place’s neglect, I will sue their asses until they can’t be sued anymore. Anyway, Hubby sent in his CV to a place in Phalaborwa and he’s hopeful that he’ll hear from them in the new year. Of course it means we’re moving to Phalaborwa. Sigh.

The upside, as Hubby puts it, is that Caleb won’t have to go to creche and I can be a stay-at-home-mom. Which is a huge upside, yes.

Watching ‘Vampires suck’ at the moment. Anyone seen it? One of those stupid spoofs, although the characters look a lot like the original characters from Twilight. Their Edward isn’t as hot as Rob Pattinson though…

Got a call from the UIF agency yesterday. My application has been approved and they already paid out a day’s UIF! Yaaaaaay… you stupid @#$%^&* idiots… a full R 83.15. I’m grateful, it’s the week’s bread and milk and cheese but jeez… seriously? I’m getting the next FULL payment in January. SIL’s paperwork is STILL not complete, her boss screwed up her UI27 which means that she won’t be getting their much-needed funds this month and she’s only getting half her salary this month and next month. Hard time for them. At least they’re going to Nelspruit for Christmas, sponsored by Dad and Stepmom. We decided not to go. Yes, the people in Nelspruit have babies and they survive, but we aren’t exactly used to the climate there and don’t want to take any risks.

Anyhoo, enjoy your day and thanks for reading! Hope you have a fabulous long weekend!

Tourmaline

LOL I just read back over my title and it’s rather funny…

How stupid is the woman who smuggled the drugs in her rasta dreadlocks… I’m sorry, I have absolutely NO sympathy for her, or for anyone who STILL tries to even attempt to smuggle drugs… When you watch Border Security on Discovery, one still sees how many creative ways druggies come up with to smuggle their wares. But why on earth would you risk losing your freedom and possibly your life in a foreign country and prison for R 16 000… really?? Are you that desperate?And who’s to say you get away with it and you get your money? I wonder how many smugglings are actually successful still in today’s era of technology and security measures. Sorry if I’m sounding very unsympathetic, but for someone who never had an interest in drugs, I can’t understand why people would dabble in anything to do with it. So much of the pain the world is caused by drugs…

So the acting president has declared that 27 December will officially be a public holiday! LOL Hubby is insanely happy, as it is his birthday.  How legit is it?

Caleb farts like a grown-up… I giggle very immaturely and hysterically when he lets it rip, I can’t believe that little body can produce such sounds. He’s no bigger than a poodle but farts like an elephant. I’m happy to report that Hubby and I have worked out a system. I go to sleep early at night, just after the last evening feed and then Hubby takes over the burping and settling Caleb down. I manage to sleep a few hours and then wake up for the graveyard pajama drill, and then Hubby sleeps. LOL I laughed at Hubby – when I woke up for the first graveyard feed, Caleb was still asleep… next to Hubby curled up on the couch (just shows you – I’m already so used to waking up regularly that I wake up for feeds whether he’s ready to be fed or not). I took Caleb from Hubby, as he was lying on the edge’s side and Hubby wasn’t exactly holding on to him and so I put him in the cot and settled down again. Then Hubby flew up with a moerse spoed and very deur die poep demanded where Caleb was… I told him that he’s asleep. Hubby was like, “where??” and I beckoned to the cot and told him that he’s sleeping in the cot and that he can settle down! He flopped downand slept further. I just laughed and shook my head.

I love Franklin and Bash… does anyone else watch it?

Anyhoo, random post… gonna go cook us up a high-protein dinner so that Caleb can get what he needs and not want to feed so often!

Last thought – maybe I read Twilight too much but every time I think or write about ‘feeding’ I think of the vampiristic dining method… I mean, they always speak of ‘feeding’ off humans and blah blah blah…

VERY LAST RANDOM from Hubby – if we have evolved from monkeys, why is the first thing he’s lus for in the morning a cup of coffee and not a banana?

Hope you had a good evening and have a fabulous Thursday!

Tourmaline

Stolen this one from Sanna… don’t have anything to really blog about except moan about the heat and how Caleb doesn’t seem to like his cot… every time I put him down and try to nap, he wakes up and squirms and niggles… sigh. I nodded off early last night and woke up very disoriented at 00:30, to find both my boys asleep… And I fell asleep at 21:30! Hubby apparently sat up with Caleb until about 23:00 taking care of his winds and cramps and let me sleep. Wow. THAT is a real act of love, in my opinion. Strange how one’s perspective of true love changes once you have a child. Anyway, I woke up and jumped up and ran to the sliding door to close the curtain and then glanced at Hubby, and then at Caleb in confusion… both blissfully asleep and then I decided what’s the point in sitting awake? Why not sleep some more? And then at 02:00, he woke up to feed. He slept that WHOLE stretch!!

Gonna try giving him water tomorrow. It was hot today and the heat made him very sleepy. Nice, cool boiled water. Let’s see how he responds to it!

Anyhoo, here’s Sanna’s quiz that I nicked…

1. WHAT ONE THING ABOUT BEING A PARENT MAKES YOU SCREAM “GET ME OUT OF HERE”?

Caleb sleeping like a log on my lap and once I put him down, he wakes up… sigh…

2.WHAT SKILLS DO YOU HAVE THAT WOULD BE USEFUL IN THE JUNGLE?

I can yell AHAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA just as loudly as Tarzan… but I won’t attempt the vine swinging…

3.HOW ARE YOU LIKELY TO ANNOY PEOPLE IN THE JUNGLE SHOULD YOU BE STUCK WITH THEM FOR 3 WEEKS?

I’d obsess about what just bit or stung me and worry excessively that it’s going to kill me.

4.WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER EATEN?

Koo’s new Macaroni and cheese – sis man!!

5.WHAT LUXURY ITEM WOULD YOU TAKE INTO THE JUNGLE WITH YOU?

A bed. How I miss my bed.

6.WHAT IS THE MOST DARING THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

Get married and have children (with Sanna on this one!!)

7. WHO WOULD YOU MISS MOST WHILE STUCK IN THE JUNGLE?

Hubby and Caleb and my mother!

8.WHAT CELEBRITY ALIVE OR DEAD WOULD YOU WANT WITH YOU IN THE JUNGLE?

Edward aka Rob Pattinson… bring the sparkles, baby!!

9.AFTER BEING IN THE JUNGLE FOR 3 WEEKS YOU GET TAKEN TO A LUXURY HOTEL. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU DO?

Dunk myself in a warm bubble bath, soak for an hour and then eat whatever I can find!!

10. LOOKING AT YOUR ANSWERS,  WOULD YOU SAY YOU’RE A GOOD CANDIDATE FOR RUNNING AWAY TO THE JUNGLE?

I think it would be safer for me to stay in civilization.

How old are you?

26 and two months

What size shoe do you wear?

Between a 6 and 7

Do you think your bum is big?

Not sure, actually I think it’s averagely proportioned to the rest of my body…

Do you think you are a good driver?

Yes, I know my way around my car and how it’s supposed to be driven 

Are you any good at Maths?

LOL basic adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing – got 27% for maths at the end of Gr. 9 on standard grade and needless to say, dropped the subject with relief Helen, seems like we’re of one mind, eh? Same percentage!

Ever eaten a bug?

Yep…and voluntarily too No we weren’t drunk, just stupid. Muggies taste like buttered chicken…

Do you sing in the car/shower/bath?

Car yes, shower – nope!

When last did you shave/wax/whatever your legs?

I can’t remember… everyday I vow that I’m going to bath and shave, but I just end up showering at lightning speed… sigh… I look like Wolverine’s furry sister…

Do you consider yourself to have “Green Fingers”, in other words can you grow / keep plants.

No, plants die in my care quicker than you can say ‘flower’ I’ve also told Hubby to never buy me flowers – I appreciate the gesture but I can’t keep flowers alive!!

Cellphone – Contract or Prepaid?

Prepaid Getting a Blackberry for Christmas though!! LOL

Have you finished your Christmas shopping (pressies, not food)?

Nope

Team Edward or Team Jacob (from the Twilight Series)

Edward – they all say he looks so constipated but he’s hot and I love that mystery… Jacob is just an idiot who can’t catch a hint

How will I know when Caleb is getting too big for his nappies? He’s three weeks and one day old now and stretching like crazy! Our parents regularly tell us how much he’s growing when they see him. For me, who sees him every day and all day, he still looks the same. He’s not as yellow anymore which I’m glad for! J

Suffering hectic sleep deprivation. Jeez… I’ve started taking my vitamins again, haven’t taken them for a while and I suppose that’s why I’m feeling so tired. Along with the fact that little Man wakes every two hours now for feedings, and doesn’t sleep much during the day. I’m trying to stretch his feedings back to 3 hours at night but it doesn’t work. And I don’t have the strength to fight and stretch his feedings at night. I feed him and get it over with. And my mother phoned me earlier today and said that I should eat more protein – lack of protein will result that Caleb stays hungry, which makes sense. So I’ve asked Hubby to bring home some viennas, cold meat, cheese and salad stuff and I’m going to boil up some eggs for easy eating. The only protein I’m getting in at the moment is the peanut butter I’m so obsessed with and dinnertimes’ meat.

It seems I should cut down on the juice I’m drinking. Caleb’s bum is red, but I’m treating it with Fissan. I heard it works well?

My ears and sinuses are aching… it’s horrible. I don’t know what’s inspired this now but I have no lus for it!

Had a migraine again over the weekend. Luckily thanks to Hubby I was at MIL’s and she gave me a shot of Voltaren and some painkillers and gladly took Caleb so that I could sleep it off. Nothing sucks like handing your child over to someone else just because your head hurts too much to care for him yourself. It felt like a ‘bad mommy’ moment for me. And he had cramps last night again from the potjie we had for lunch at the in-laws (they made a separate potjie specially for me without spices, onions and garlic) but he still had some cramps L It just feels wrong to give a three-week old baby Panado drops, but it worked and gave him relief so I guess I shouldn’t beat myself up. We don’t give him the full prescribed dose though, they recommend that you give a 3 month old baby 0.6 ml. We give him 0.3 ml. I hate medicating my child L I even feel guilty about dosing him with Telament before each feeding, but it helps him to get rid of the wind and cramps. Poor baby, why he has to suffer from cramps heaven only knows!

Anyhoo, just checking in… hope y’all had a great day today and may the week forward be blessed! Christmas is getting closer!

Tourmaline