December 31, 2011 in Uncategorized
Looking at Caleb this morning, I realise once again how I’m finally in the right place in my life. He wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.
When I was 19 I discovered the wilder side of life. Clubbing, drinking, partying… and lust. More than once lust was mistaken for love and I used the product of it so vicariously, and recklessly that it really is a miracle that I didn’t become a single mother so soon in my life.
Or is it a miracle? I think it was Godly intervention. As crazy as it might sound to you, and those who don’t believe in God… I do. I believe his angels were with me through every single stupid, dumb, reckless decision that I made. And I made a lot. I made them all. I always swore that I would make every stupid decision there was to make when it came to relationships, so that when I was married one day, I wouldn’t be tempted to make them again. I cheated. I slept around (not proud of it, I don’t want to know how many times how many people called me a slut) and I broke hearts again and again. I got mine broken too. I’ve experienced more pain than I could imagine, and one of those dumb decisions resulted in me being date-raped. I know it’s not my fault that the guy did it, but it is my fault that I decided that he was trustworthy. One particular instance of unrequited love also stands out. After giving myself to someone whom I was genuinely in love with, he told me that he loves me too, but that I’m not good or ambitious enough for him. “What would my parents think if I come home with someone who hasn’t achieved anything in her life?” Those were his words. A knife through my heart. Doesn’t hurt anymore but that’s the heartbreak that taught me more than one valuable lesson about life and love.
I dabbled in unsafe sex, usually followed by a night of kuiering in a club. Never strangers, though. Always a friend or a boyfriend. And not once did I ever get pregnant unplanned, or catch an STD, or AIDS. God was with me, even though I’m sure my whimsical and reckless behaviour must have saddened Him very much. Because none of those things were destined for me. God had greater things planned for me, I believe. Long ago a pastor told me that my path it set out for me, greater than I can ever imagine if I just let Him steer me there. And after every single wrong decision I made that deviated me off my path, He brought me back. Took me longer to get on the right one, yes, but here I am. I see it in my mind’s eye like I’m on a map. The road God intended for me was a thick, shimmering pearly white line. And each decision I made was darker, thinner, more crooked. Some had cracks in. The bottom line of this is that no matter how many times I went off the road, I came back. I might have missed out on so many opportunities God had planned for me, but still, I came back. On the right road there are doors everywhere, and those I skipped by going off the path were closed. But on the wrong paths there were open doors too. That’s life!
Only after surrendering my life to God and asking Him to send the right man on my path after so many wrong ones, and so many wasted hopes and dreams with each and every once of them did Hubby cross my path. He crossed my path while I was still with a wrong guy! That night I realized what I really wanted in a man; that he was sitting next to me and that the guy I was with was all kinds of wrong, but I was stubborn. Hubby wasn’t the type of guy I dated at all and I pushed it to the back of my mind. When I broke up with that other crazy control-freak of a guy, Hubby came back into view unexpectedly, and this is after I surrendered my will to God and also decided that I’ve gotten hurt too long, and that I just want to be on my own. And four months later we were engaged, and five months after that married. The person I thought wasn’t my type became the man for me and I love him in a totally different way than I used to ‘love’ everyone else.
The point of this blog is… after taking so many reckless chances with my body, I never had anything to account for; I was always lucky, taken care of by a higher power. There was a pregnancy scare once but nothing happened. Only after marrying Hubby, and licking up a few blocks of salt with him did I finally fall pregnant. It was one of my dreams for 2011; I remember drawing up a list early this year, as one of my goals… and two months later I was pregnant with Caleb. This is how I know that I’m on God’s path for my life… married to a Godly man, and the mother of a little miracle ordained by God himself. Cos whoever denies that the hand of God is in the creation of a new life is a fool in my eyes. Sorry if I’m judging anyone, it is not my intention but if you go think about how our bodies are put together, so perfectly and so complex, nothing but God could have created us. We are perfectly created in His eyes and we have been created in His image.
I end this blog, my last one for 2011 on this note. I will keep on placing my life in God’s hands. After He blessed me with everything I have now, how can I be anything but thankful? And I know that whatever He has planned for us for 2012, His will won’t ever take us where His grace cannot protect us. We enter this new year as a new family, after starting 2011 as only two.
Happy new year to you all, with lots of love from me, Hubby and Caleb. May all your dreams come true in this new year.