The journey progresses...

Direct english for ‘voor op die wa’.

Caleb just pulled himself up by my hands. One minute he’s sitting on his bum and I have his hands in mine, and the next, he’s standing. Isn’t it too fast?? He’s only five months old!!

And he’s tantrummy this morning. Jeez. At first I thought it’s his ears. His antibiotics are finished but I don’t think it did the trick. He’s been whiny ever since. Is this just the particular stage of development he’s at? If you’re not playing with him, he’ll start crying. He’s also developed a really ugly growling type of cry when he wants a bottle. Jeez. My little godzilla baby.

I miss breastfeeding. I find the endless preparation of bottles a pain in the … yeah. And I’m so scared he’s going to become fat now because of bottle-feeding.

I spoke too soon yesterday. Learned a really hard lesson this morning. I accidentally changed the wrong person’s banking details so the guy didn’t get paid. Mistakes happen, but yes, you don’t mess with someone’s pay. I felt like such a chop, but that’s the thing about me. I admit it. I admit my mistakes and take responsibility for them. Like I said, just because I’m in CE’s shoes doesn’t mean I am her. This was my first month flying solo on the payroll and yes, it’s intimidating. It’s scary. I fear making mistakes very much, and boom. I made one. A crucial one. FAIL!!

Luckily it’s sorted. But I’m sure my admonishment is waiting on Wednesday. And I will take it without a peep, without defiance because I know. The second rule I was taught is always check your work. Always make sure you’ve loaded the right information for the right person.

Leave it to Murphy to kick you in the kidney just when you think you’re on the right track.

I wonder if Godzilla will give me a break to make some lunch…

Helen gave me an idea the other night, when they had Fish-aways for dinner on their anneversary. Last night we had some, and it makes a wonderful change from KFC or McDonalds. I really enjoyed the fish nuggets, prawn pops, calamari and rice combo I got, along with the salad. It just tasted so much better than the greasy chicken you usually buy. I think I’m hooked. Scuze the pun. I’d rather have it more often than we have the aforementioned take-aways. And I had the leftovers for breakfast, it was yummy THanks for the idea, Helen!

HAve a good one, y’all!

Cheerio

Tourmaline

Suddenly started developing a sore throat and painful ears yesterday afternoon. Joy. Fresh hell. It’s been more than a week of hell. Caleb’s pharingitis. Then my cold turkey weaning. Then the flu-like symptoms that came with it. And now, a sore throat and ears. Whoop di freaking doo!

Things are starting to get interesting at work for me. As y’all know, I’m standing in for CE while she’s on maternity leave. It doesn’t make me a manager, NOT AT ALL!! Yet people treat me like one. I find it disturbing and weird. I’ve always classified myself not as a leader, but a very willing follower. And not in a negative way, mind you. I just prefer it that way. I still have room to grow and both Colleague M and I are both learning a lot everyday, as new challenges and problems to be solved present themselves. And boy, what a learning school. It’s so invigorating, learning new stuff and getting out of the things you’re used to. Colleague M and I are working a lot better together, we kind of moved apart when I was on maternity leave. I think we make quite a good team.

Spoke to CE today. Going to visit her and Baby C on Saturday. Bit nervous driving to Benoni maar nou ja, I’ll survive. Caleb is going with. And she said something today, tongue in cheek but I think there was some meaning behind it. She said ‘wow things are going so good I might not have a job when I come back!’ Of course I violently protested, told her we’ll toi-toi if that happens. There’s no way I’m taking over. She quickly added that Big J wants her to start on other stuff, so it might mean a move to another position for me. I’m not bargaining on it and I certainly don’t hope for it, she really knows her stuff and it will take me a VERY long time to learn what she knows. But while I was considering putting my feelers out (okay, I actually DID put them out) maybe I should just be patient, learn what I can and see where everything is going.

Hubby’s got a telephonic interview for a job in Cape Town on Wednesday. Go figure. We’ll see what happens.

I would have loved to go to Nelspruit to my Dad and Stepmom, but we’re a bit cash poor. Sigh. I miss my dad so much.

My boobs are much better. Thank goodness. The nightmare is almost over.

My mom made some butternut and carrot purees this weekend for Caleb. He had his first taste of butternut  last night and he loved it. He slept til 4:25 this morning, such a big boy. And he’s so cute. He laughs at Hubby like he’s the funniest thing in the world. He recognizes when you say his name or speak to him and he doesn’t like you leaving his sight when he’s seen you. He’s sitting beautifully and is really exercising his little tummy muscles. I love this kid so much. And I have to brag a little (blush) Sorry guys. Thanks for letting me!

My long weekend starts now. I brought my work laptop home and will be working tomorrow and Monday here from home. Friday we’re going to have lunch with Bro and SIL. Saturday I’m visiting CE, Sunday… heck I don’t know what will happen then. Probably rest.

Anyhoo, you guys must enjoy your long weekend! Please be safe and have a good rest! I’m off to defrost Caleb’s dinner

Cheerio!

Tourmaline

I don’t know how many of you saw the link on News24 today to Carrie Manokalos’s cover version of Radiohead’s ‘Creep’. This song gave me goosebumps on my goosebumps. The woman has an amazing voice and I can’t wait to hear more of her! Go check it out, it’s on News24, the INSIDE NEWS bit.

Got stuck inside the elevator today! The outer doors didn’t open! We’re five people in a small elevator and suddenly there’s a loud bang and the outer doors jammed! Luckily Skapie (the youngest guy in the office as I call him) fixed it in a jiffy and got us all out. I’m never taking the elevator again. I have a fear of getting stuck inside an elevator.

Still got a red swollen lump on my boob but I’m pleased to announce that the rest of my boobs are recovering nicely. Thank goodness. It’s been a hectic couple of days. Sorry for moaning so much on the blogs, guys and thanks for the support, it’s much appreciated

SIL is not pregnant. She does have a kind of vestibulitis though, she’s drunk in her head but she doesn’t have any other symptoms. Had that once, nearly conked out of bed by just rolling over and couldn’t walk for a week. I know she’s disappointed but in a way relieved too. She must have ample time to enjoy Jordan.

Mama N was at the office today with baby R. What a hefty little boy, he’s sooo beautiful and has a whole head of hair! We girls make some cute little boys.

Caleb is sitting up by himself right now. It’s all he wants to do! He’s really becoming a happy little chappy. He’s adapting well to the bottle too, now that it’s his only way of feeding. Shame I wasn’t supposed to take him off the breast so suddenly, he didn’t do well for a night or two. But he’s getting there. He’s loving his solids too.

What a nice rainstorm today! Although each time it rains, it gets colder. Yikes.

Got a short week. I’m on leave Thursday and I want to ask my manager if I can have Monday off too, will be on my emails the whole day so any queries can be assisted.

Y’all have a good day

Tourmaline

My mother came to my rescue this morning. I woke up feeling feverish and nauseated, with a desire to sink back into a deep sleep and just stay in bed. But my son had other ideas, naturally and I got up and brought him downstairs, taking care not to get him anywhere near my breasts. I was intending to have a Harry Potter movie festival today (Hubby had to work today) and at around 10:00, my mother popped in for a quick visit.

What she found was Caleb lying in his donut and me sitting with him. He has to stay there because I can’t hold him. My breasts are too sore. I can barely pick him up, as the muscles in my arms that are connected to those underneath my arms pull in my breasts and hurts just as much. I told her that I’ve got a bit of a fever and that I desperately wish I could sleep, and she told me she was going to go veggie shopping, and she’d be back to pick us up. I was told to get his bag ready and wait for her.

Got his bag ready and in 20 minutes she was back. She took us to her house, told my Stepdad that we’d be staying for the afternoon. He was delighted of course. They happily took over watching Caleb and I took a nice long nap in their guest bedroom.

I’m not feeling any better, really. I’m so naar right now, I think it might be the antibiotics. I’m only supposed to be taking 2 a day but MIL is so worried about mastitis that I have to take three. And I’ve got mastitis. There are spots on my breasts that are red and swollen. If my breasts make it out of this okay, I’m never doing this again. Next time, I’ll gradually wean.

I was so tempted to stop this madness yesterday and just go express. I had fantasies of donating my milk to milk banks at hospitals, while of course also giving my son what he needs. But eventually I’ll have to stop again, and I’m NOT going through this again.

Cabbage leaves soothes. Thank the Lord for this wonderful vegetable that I don’t like to eat. It’s wonderful for my breasts. Some believe that it draws out the milk. My milk production has definitely stopped, though. I’m not leaking so much anymore. And I’m expressing just a tiny bit in the mornings and evenings. To take the pressure off. I’d go mad if I didn’t.

Mom spent the afternoon cooking some butternut and carrots, and pulping them so that Caleb can have some food. He had a banana today for lunch (well, a quarter of a mashed banana) and he loved it. He had some carrot purity last night as well, and he slept through again. I can’t believe this little man is getting so big so quick.

He’s finally getting hair! All of a sudden his head is covered in fine, thick hair. I can’t stop stroking it.

Today is also the first day he sat upright by himself, without support. He’s giggling the whole time while he does. Ag he’s so sweet.

Man I miss picking him up. Miss holding him to my chest and having him nod off while suckling. I miss the wonderful bond we had. Oh we still have it but while he cries for me to pick him up, I can’t and it’s like he resents me.

Sigh. Why did he have to get teeth and why did I have to be so excited about them?

Cheerio

T

I’m suffering the consequences of stopping breastfeeding, cold turkey style. I’m taking the meds that have to stop my milk, but if you’re not supposed to express, how do you get rid of all the milk engorging your breasts??Currently I’m using breastpads to soak up any milk that’s coming out but I had to spend the night sleeping on my back, which isn’t something I really do. I sleep on my sides. Everybody at work (who’s been through this) recommended a warm bath. They swore the milk would fountain out of me. Bah. Nothing. A few drops and I’m still as engorged as ever. And I’m not sure the meds are working. Honestly, I took the last pill this morning. I’ve been taking ACC too. Someone swore it stopped her milk.

Oh yes, this is in reaction to Caleb biting me for the last time on Wednesday. It was with great calm and suppressed emotions that I took him off the breast, closed my bra, put him down on his donut and listened to him cry while I was fixing him a bottle. I did this with resignation; gave in to the fact that normal weaning isn’t even going to work. I can’t stand being bitten, and it will be this way with the next child (or children).

OMG guys, SIL suspects she might be pregnant again. She and Brother slipped on the contraception just once and lo and behold… last week she experienced some bleeding. She thought is was her period but it went away. And now she’s dizzy, hungry all the time, she’s got burn spot in her boobs (I experienced it too) and she’s tired. Personally, I think she is. But I really hope not, for their sake. How will they afford another baby??

My grandfather in Oudtshoorn is really ill. He’s got some form of Alzheimers or something. He’s delirious half the time and in special care. Apparently he lost consciousness yesterday and eventually woke up again, but the nursing staff says he was ice cold and grey. It was like he died, and then came back. And all he kept telling them was how beautiful the gates of heaven is, and how the voice told him to come in, he’s already there. He then asked the voice to please not take him yet, he wants to see his grand-grandchildren. In other words, Caleb and Jordan.

How we’re going to get down to Oudtshoorn, I don’t know. My mother is trying to see if she can fly us down (with what money??) Just me, my brother, Caleb and Jordan and my mother of course.

Caleb ate some Carrot Purity last night. We dropped the bakkie off at Bro and SIL’s (their car broke again) and I didn’t pack his cereal. So she gave me some purity, just once-off. He loved it and gobbled everything up. And lo and behold… he slept through. I don’t think the rice cereal is substantial enough to keep him full through the night.

Will have to start him on something more substantial. He can have his porridge in the mornings and then something else at night. Will start with bananas and see how he likes it.

Eish my boobs are sore. Wow. Hasn’t been this bad since his birth. Am I going to be okay, guys? What’s going to happen to the milk that’s trapped and not getting out? I’m terrified of getting mastitis again, or a breast abscess. What is my boobs fall off?

HAve a happy Friday and a good weekend!

Cheerio

Tourmaline

My mom skyped me today; said that there’s a HR Assistant position open closer to home for more money. I figure, hey. They want someone who can work on VIP Payroll, which I can’t. But I’ll send in my cv and see what happens. After all, once they see that I don’t have experience on VIP, they’ll discard my cv, right?

Wrong. Fifteen minutes pass. Then the phone rings. They want to interview me tomorrow, regardless of the fact that I DON’T have VIP experience. No one has matched their criteria yet but my cv matches perfectly and they’re eager to fill the position.

I went into a complete frenzy. I was planning on finding other work after increase-time and only once CE came back from maternity leave. And on a whim I submitted my cv today, and there’s a good chance I might get this.

This is why I don’t do things on impulse. Or try not to. And of course everyone is clamoring for me to go check it out, what the perks are etc. It doesn’t mean I’ll get the job, right? And everyone’s main point is – why feel guilty about leaving them just before increase-time when you have your family and your survival to think about? When they probably won’t give you a decent increase in the first place. CE and I had a chat the other day about this; the increases had better be good this year, or we won’t be able to keep up. What do you do when your expenses are more than your income???

I have a loan that needs to be paid off… I won’t be able to leave unless they don’t pay me for my notice month. As Hubby says, it can be easily remedied, we have ‘collateral’.

I’m going to go check it out tomorrow; for all I know it might not be what I expect at all and I’d decide to rather stay where I am.

But the more I fall into my current position, the more ‘corruption’ I’m picking up, if you know what I mean. Special priviledges for managers, and such. But no, if you don’t have a qualification in that place, you’re nothing.

What do you reckon, guys? Is it worth staying loyal? Or should I start taking my family into consideration and do what I can to ensure a better future for us? Things aren’t great financially, and if I can get a better job WITHOUT a formal qualification, why not? When where I am right now, the only way I’ll get a decent pay raise is if I get a qualification, and that will take three years. Three more years for a maybe???

Caleb is much better, y’all were right. Ponstan works like a charm. Thanks for all the support!!!!

Cheerio

Tourmaline

Pharyngitis. I think that’s how it’s spelled. Caleb’s lungs haven’t been affected yet; if they were he’d have bronchitits by now, but his throat is red and raw, he’s got a sinus drip that’s causing the coughing and his eardrums are red too. Got some good meds, Ponstan for the fever, antibiotics and another mix for the phlegm. He’s sleeping now so I’ll dose him when he wakes up.

I, on the other hand, don’t have my drying-up pills yet. Have to get them this afternoon when Hubby can quickly watch him. I have to give him breastmilk until the worst is over anyhow, to help fight the infection. But I’m not breastfeeding; I can’t sit and wait on tenterhooks for that bite to come. And the smack on the nappy… it’s horrible, and happens reflexively and instantly. I do not want to lose control like that, it sucks and goes against every part of my being.

So I’m going to express now; I’m full to the brim and it’s good he’s sleeping, so I can quickly do this without having to tend to him with hands full of milk.

Thanks for all your support regarding the breastfeeding and not making me feel like a total horrid hag Really appreciate all your support and advice!

Cheerio

Tourmaline

I’m taking a family responsibility leave day and taking Caleb to the doctor. His cough is worsening and home-medicating doesn’t work. We’re doing him an injustice by not letting him have proper care and treatment. He had a terrible fever last night, with the stupid digital thermometer still indicating that there’s nothing wrong. He was so warm he was burning me. He woke up at midnight crying and fussing, and I put him on the breast and begged him not to bite me. Afterwards he was still fussing and I sponged him down with a wet cloth, and the fever subsided.

He’s warm again this morning and he finally pooped too. I suspect teeth, it’s got that rancid vrot knoffel smell again.

Guys, I feel horrible. I’m quitting breastfeeding. I just can’t stand being bitten anymore. It’s not so much the biting that hurts, but the reaction it solicits from me. I’m instantly angry and Caleb feels it. I don’t want to be the mother who hits her young baby because he doesn’t know any better, and I’m afraid that’s the first thing I think of doing when this happens. I love my son so much and can’t think that hitting him when he doesn’t understand not to bite is right.

So today while taking him to the doctor, I’m getting the pill that will stop my milk production too. I cried uncontrollably last night at this prospect; I want to give my child the best that he can get to stop him from getting sick, but I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much and my reaction hurts me too, as well as my stellar relationship with my son. Hubby actually came and sat by me and told me not to beat myself up; that I’ve done the best for him these past almost 5 months and that he’s a healthy baby (whooping-like cough included). I need not feel guilty, but I do. I feel like a horrible mother, not being able to take a tiny baby bite. I’m sorry, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take feeling like I do when this happens. Feeding time is no longer the bonding time that it used to be, it’s something I dread.

He’ll be on the bottle today and I’ll express what’s left. It is with a heavy heart that I do this.

Why do people feel the need to film graphic rape scenes and put them on TV for all to see? I just happened across a scene now that left me feeling cold and horrified. What kind of a sick son of a bitch thinks putting such a violent crime towards women and children in a film?? Isn’t there enough horror in the world? How must a rape survivor feel when seeing something like this on a TV and reliving the exact same thing that happened to her?

Anyway, I’m off to clean myself up and get ready to go to the doc. Will keep y’all updated.

Have a good one.

Tourmaline

I was looking so forward to picking up my baby at creche this afternoon, seeing his toothy little grin and hearing his squeals of delight.

First thing – he didn’t want to come to me. He clung to Lydia, the baby person at creche. I took him from her and he protested. He fell asleep in the car and when we got home, he woke up and looked at me like he’s never seen me before.

Then I took him out of his carry seat and immediately felt how warm he is. The stupid digital thermometer we’ve got here indicates that he’s got no fever but he’s so warm he’s burning my hand. Add to that the fact that he’s not himself – he’s moany and crying and chewing on his hands like they’re going to go away if he stops. We gave him teeth stuff (prodol) and Panado for the fever.

How do you break a baby’s fever, people? He violently protested to the cool cloth I held against his head and I must confess, I am terrified of breastfeeding him tonight. I know he’s going to bite me and I can’t always help my reaction, which is one of anger. I know it’s not his fault, he doesn’t know he shouldn’t bite. It’s a involuntarily reaction, one I’m working to control.

I’m thinking it’s the teeth. Can teeth cause fever? The prodol doesn’t seem to be working today. He also hasn’t pooped since Friday. Which is starting to become normal. No poops over the weekend, but during the week it’s fine. Reason for concern?

I don’t know how to deal with this.

Please help.

Tourmaline

Saturday mornings is my favorite. Caleb wakes up and squeals and gurgles in his cot and this wakes us up. We then put him in bed with us. It’s wonderful family time; I enjoy it immensely and can’t believe how far we’ve come. I’ve backtracked on my blog a bit to go check my first posts and it cannot believe that my first real post was yesterday a year ago. What a journey it’s been – from very early in pregnancy, to finding out what sex my baby is, getting bigger, all the problems we’ve faced and conquered as husband and wife and finally becoming parents. Our baby is a healthy almost-five month old who’s really voor op die wa when it comes to meeting milestones. He’s a friendly little chap, charming random ladies in the mother’s room at church. I can’t believe the pregnancy went by so quickly. When I have a bit more free time I’m going to read every post and reflect on everything

And on this blog, I’ve made the most wonderful friends. I might not know you all in person but I know you on here and it’s enough for me. The fact that you’re always here for me is unendingly comforting and I truly appreciate each and everyone of you. I hope that I’m as good a friend to you as you are to me.\

Put Caleb in a walking ring in the mother’s room this morning. It didn’t move but his feet touched the ground and he had a great time playing with the toys on top. My aunt is buying us one at the end of the month, I think he’ll have a good time.

Tomorrow new week. I was very nervous about stepping in to CE’s shoes at work, but both Colleague M and I are both up to date with our first solo payroll. Can’t believe it! There’s some stuff that will come in this week but it’s not the hectic crazy deurmekaarspul that I thought it would be. I know June is going to be rough. It’s increase and performance reviews time. Yikes! See me driving through to CE’s house and sitting there with her all day getting through this stuff and staying sane.

Caleb and I had a nice long nap this afternoon in our bed. We both needed the sleep and he’s coughing a bit more than usual. The lady in the mother’s room showed me teething beads this morning. It’s a necklace of beads that emits a certain substance when coming into contact with the natural oils of the baby’s skin, and this helps against the teething symptoms that plague babies. It’s expensive, it’s R280 but I think I’d invest in them. They seem to work for her baby girl, who’s four months old and already has two teeth already.

Caleb now weighs 7.7 kg. Not sure how long he is because Midwife doesn’t measure his lenght properly. Jissie she looks terrible. She worked a 48 hour shift at the birthing unit last week and after finishing her home appointments on Wednesday night, she was literally dead on her feet. Left her little office across the street to go home and her slipper caught on the ground and she fell against the gate. She’s got a blue eye and a horrible long cut underneath her hairline. She had something like 10 stitches. Geez. Told her to give herself a break, she’s working herself to death but at least they got an extra midwife at the birth unit.

Shame Caleb started crying when she started measuring him, he probably thought he was going to get shots. Poor baby. She told me to start giving him his cereal in the mornings too and next month we’ll start on a healthy eating plan. She doesn’t believe in Purity, strange. I’m not much of a cook so I’ll combine them both. I’ve been reading up and looking for lots of recipes that will be easy to make for Caleb, and fruits aren’t hard to mash up.  I don’t have a blender but I do have a Twister. Won’t be so hard to mash up whatever he needs to eat in it.

Had another delicious dinner at the in-laws on Saturday night. This time, we sponsored the meat. It was lovely, only now it’s starting to get cold and sitting in the lapa with a baby isn’t ideal anymore.

Also (tmi warning) the libido is back. Halleluja, Hubby was starting to go blue in the face. I have to go get the mini-pill that my doc prescribed so that I don’t get knocked up right now.Have to wait a few years for the next baby Hubby said he’d rather get a dog than another baby, but I told him no way, I want my baby girl. Her names are already picked out and she will come in a year or two. Jaelin Melia. Settled. There’s no say in this one.

Anyhoo, y’all have a good week! I’m off to feed my little man and enjoy the last of this weekend.

Have a good one, y’all.

Cheerio

Tourmaline