February 19, 2014 in Uncategorized
Sorry for being so very quiet but work is hectic and so is everything else. I still pop in to read the blogs but don’t get a lot of time to actually comment
A lot has been going on in my life since my last post. As the months had gone by since November, I’d realized that there is something wrong with me. I think I have mentioned it before on a blog entry last year. I suspected depression. First I thought it was the new pill my gynae prescribed for me in September last year. But in October I left this pill and took a two-month sabbatical from any contraception and still the crushing anxiety, fear, paranoia and insecurities didn’t go away. I’ve had my thyroid checked out (turns out that the lumpz I’m swallowing over are cystic nodules) and I’m taking meds for it to go away. The doctor said that the meds will assist with the depression, seeing as though your thyroid throws things out of whack… but mine is completely normal, except for the nodules.
So I’ve come to terms with the fact that I might have depression. After everything that’s happened last year, it is the only logical conclusion. I’ve been kept so busy by so many other things that I simply haven’t come to terms with anything. I’ve been forcing myself to get up and go no matter what but never tending to my own feelings. Always keeping everyone else happy. Putting myself out there and giving more of me that I am physically capable of. Neglecting myself, my feelings, my hurts. And on Friday I went to the doctor for gastro and she sommer prescribed me an anti-depressant.
Years ago I thought depression was just a figment of the imagination. That people who had it were weak. But my perception has changed ever since I saw and realized what it actually was and what it did to those people around me that I really care about. My sister-in-law… she’s been a beacon to me in all this time. She’s suffered from depression for a very long time and has been standing behind me all this time. I never thought I’d be diagnosed with it, but it turns out I have been and I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed to pop my little pill at 10 every morning. It is not a wonder-drug. It doesn’t remove all your problems. All your problems are still there but at least you are able to face them with a sound mind and clear vision, instead of sitting in that deep dark hole down below, with everyone looking down at you. Throwing ropes and begging for you to come out and yet you can’t move. And the more you just stay there… the deeper you go until finally you realize that it’s either death… or help.
During the last month I’ve contemplated suicide a couple of times. When I start thinking of how my financial situation is just not letting up; just not getting better. Every month is a struggle. I can’t change jobs, i’m stuck here cos I have no qualifications. I’m studying through work for said qualification and therefore, I am fulfilling a workback agreement and I am stuck. My finances will not get better, not even with an annual increase. I am stuck and this depresses me. The thought that other people have to provide for my child what he needs… it kills me. The fact that my son can’t stay with me as he is supposed to… kills me. The fact that I have to always go see him there where he lives with his dad because he gets bored in my little flat kills me. Up until Friday morning all these things were slowly but surely driving me to end it all.
But the pills have given me hope. Maybe I am weak. I don’t care. All i know is that I was steadily declining and pushing away anybody that could help me. Everybody I loved. I would have died in my own despair, and possibly because of my own doing. All alone in my flat, with everybody wondering what had become of me… And I didn’t want to be that. I realized long before I took the pills that I have so much to live for… if I could just get past myself, past my anxiety and despair, I would have a chance to. I would enjoy what I do have in life that has so much more meaning than the materialistic. Like my son. He brings me joy. I register the feeling of joy but my body just won’t react to those happy endorphins. Now, it will. It does.
I am hopeful that in a couple more weeks’ time, I will be able to live my life as normally as I possibly can.
I just had to get this off my chest.
Thanks for reading.