The journey progresses...

After much thought and consideration I have decided to – for now – deactivate my blog.

I will miss you all, those of you who want to stay in contact, inbox me your email addresses, I’m going to be deactivating it either this afternoon or tomorrow.

This blog REALLY is no longer safe and I don’t want the whole office to know what is going on in my life.

If I ever start a new one on a different blog forum, I’ll make sure to send you the link.

Cheers

Tourmaline

… to an almost 15 month-old little boy…

Yesterday Caleb took 2 plunges off the couch… same couch, different times. Firstly he started off by hanging over the arm rest (while I’m sitting next to him) like a little baboon. This has happened before and when he started tipping over, I’d usually catch him by the seat of his pants (literally) and then tell him not to do it. And yesterday it just happened too quickly. Despite numerous warnings and cautions that he should sit down. He toppled over, hit his head on his toy chest and then hit the ground with a smack. Much crying and consoling ensued, with me laughing hysterically like an idiot due to the shock! Eventually he calmed down and was sporting a big blue lump on the side of his head. You’d think he’d learned his lesson then. Nope. Later the evening, I was making food and Hubby kept telling Caleb to get off the couch, to sit still. Caleb just decided to keep on monkeying around on the couch and a second later… whoomp. There he goes. More crying ensues and he sommer got a smack on the bottom so that he can learn THAT THE COUCHES ARE NOT FOR RUNNING!!

Someone asked me this morning why do we allow him on the couches… um, you try to keep him off and let me know how it goes. He’s entered the tantrum phase, he throws a vloer-moer for everything, even just a reprimand to stay off the couches. He climbs the stairs and when we tell him to come down, get off the damn stairs, we just get that innocent little but-I-don’t-want-to face. The gate we got as a present to keep him off the stairs doesn’t fit so we have to literally watch him very carefully. He’s a little ruffian and I have a feeling it’s going to get worse.

We’re not setting him up to get hurt. But I feel a certain amount of tough love must be employed. Yes he’s going to fall, hit his head but he’ll learn that way. I mean, he trips over his own two feet and hits the ground with a smack. There is no way to protect your children from this.

Other than that, he comes back from school looking far worse. I mean he comes home with his face scratched, his legs scratched, full of bruises and scrapes. Everyone says ag he’s a little boy, he’s supposed to look like that. Um not if the school is teaching him to push his limits and get hurt as often as he can! Don’t they have any control?? Or is it normal for a child his age to push the limits? Do all the other kids do that?? Anyone?

I don’t even know what my point was…

Things are still very confusing on the home front. I don’t know which way to go or what to do. All I know is that our move date is approaching in a month’s time and by then I’ll have to know what I’m going to do. Hubby is as obstinate as a donkey en deaf as one to boot. He’s not hearing anything that I’m saying, the only thing he spouts is endless optimism and even more endless variants of ‘go see someone like a psychologist’. I’m not mental, just gatvol!! I’ve long passed the point that I’ve given up on both of us and our marriage and I’m only there for Caleb. I’ve gotten endless advice from friends saying that I should then just cut my losses… sounds easy but in reality it’s not. It’s hard to make a decision; I’m scared of hurting him and I know it will be inevitable, I’m scared of the consequences and I’m also scared that I’m not strong enough to do this. To survive it. I’m scared I’ll lose my child and be regarded as a kak mother for the rest of my life just because I turned my back on my marriage. I’m scared of all the judgment, the prejudices, the anger and the pain that will no doubt be hurled my way. I will stand alone. And I’m not even sure if I’ll manage to stand. Even now I’m permanently anxious, I have a mild anxiety attack yesterday and I’m not even sure why. I don’t sleep well, I don’t eat well and I’m exhausted. What do you do when your marriage and your life is what is slowly draining you, drop for drop until there’s nothing left but an empty shell? And for what? Because I put others before myself? That is who I am, it is in my nature and I can’t change it but heck, I’m going to die slowly if I don’t.

I’m one massively confused mess, that’s for sure. And it’s not getting better. I’ve fantasized about just disappearing at night… but one look at my son takes away all thoughts of such a nature. He is the only thing that is making my life worth living, that is making me go on every single day. Even with the tantrums and the no-mommy moments.

I guess I wish that this all could be resolved peacefully, that we go our separate ways and remain united for our son. But that’s a foolish dream, I know.

Get this… Caleb got into his first fight at school yesterday. He’s got a maatjie there and these two are apparently inseperable but yesterday they had a disagreement over a shovel in the sandpit. Caleb won the fight. He’s got scratches along his eyelid and on his forehead and apparently the other little boy is worse off.

Honestly is this normal?? Do kids really start fighting and understand the concept of it at this young age? He’s not even 15 months old yet. He’ll be 15 months on Wednesday. Does anyone have any advice?

This is not the first time that something like this happened, but it’s never happened in this scale before. Apparently Caleb bit the other little boy a week or so ago. The teachers weren’t around to see who actually did it but the mother was very upset that another child bit hers. I totally get that. I would be too. So the teachers are going on speculation that it was Caleb who bit him but since then he hasn’t bitten us again. I’m waiting for the day though.

But now he’s added fighting to his adorable little repertoire. Everything before this was adorable. The fighting isn’t. What does this mean?? Will he be a bully? The teacher remarked when she brought Caleb out to Hubby that at least he’s got a strong personality and he doesn’t back down when he wants something. But does this mean that he’ll run down and hit or bite anyone who gets in his way?? What am I supposed to do now??

I told Hubby yesterday after hearing the news and seeing Caleb’s face that he can be glad he picks Caleb up earlier on Fridays, because I think if he picked him up normal time today, he’d have a very angry mother waiting for him. And getting involved in a skirmish with another parent about how we’re raising our child and blah blah blah isn’t something Hubby is prepared for. Though I think he’d try his best to ensure the mother that we’re not teaching him how to do this.

I mean really! Caleb kicked me wherever he gets an open spot (especially the boobs) when I cream and powder him at night after baths. I’ve disciplined him in this, to not do it again. He knows what will happen if he kicks me again. So far, so good. I feel horrible disciplining him but it has to be done. If we don’t, he’ll turn out to be a bully who uses force to get what he wants and that is not acceptable. The last thing I want my son to be knows as is a bully.

Any advice please?

Have a good weekend.

Cheers

Tourmaline

I’m still here! Just a bit busy with work and all that. And the title of my blog today isn’t connected to anything bad. I’m literally just existing. It’s a good thing breathing is such a natural thing, cos that is literally all I’m doing. Breathing.

Still don’t know where I’m going, what I’m going to do. I read all these daily motivationals that people post on Facebook… “Find happiness in doing something that you love”. I don’t even know what I love anymore. I love my child. I love my husband (but as Caleb’s dad, not as my husband – problem!!) and I love my family… But there’s nothing out there that I love. I don’t have hobbies. My life consists of a tiny bubble that I helped shape. I let go of so many things that I wouldn’t have let go normally, but I don’t blame anyone for that. That’s all me.

I’ve really been trying and struggling to be happy. But I’ve forgotten what it feels like and after feeling like this for about a year, I’m running out of the will to struggle, to fight. I know I should, there’s some higher meaning or purpose but honestly, I don’t. I go home and spend time with my son and the rest of the time avoiding my husband’s touch. Can anyone carry on like that for the rest of their lives? Is it fair to expect a person to do that?? Is it fair to hurt someone every day and to see the light leave his eyes?

I don’t think it is. I don’t think it’s fair at all. And I’ve been trying, really really hard to change. How I feel. Who I am. But how far do you carry on before you finally bite the bullet??

Still a mess, I can guarantee I’ll be one for a long while to come.

Cheers

Tourmaline

I haven’t updated you on Caleb in a while. So here goes.

He is now an almost 15-month old little boy. Running around, sometimes still crawling but definitely running. And with the running comes bashing into things, or not watching where he’s going. The other day he ran smack into the sliding door. Thank goodness it didn’t break and that he was okay, just a little red bruise on his forehead.

His vocabulary is growing. It now comprises of the following: mamma, pappa, baba, hello (pronounced hay’o), dankie (sometimes danke like a german), siesa, eish (especially when he falls down), pampoen (which is what I suspect they call him at school), poe-poe (he says this sometimes when he’s got a dirty nappy and will grab the nappy to get our attention) and then a whole lot of babbling in between. When he laughs, he laughs out of his tummy and it’s the most beautiful sound. Everything stops when he laughs.

He loves his bath time. He loves splashing Hubby with water and loves Hubby’s reaction as well. And when it’s sleepy time he still cuddles up on my lap with his bottle and passes out. I love watching him sleep, he’s the most gorgeous little boy.

His hair is very curly and a light blondish-red and curls into his neck. We have to cut it but I don’t want to. I want to leave it like that even though it looks like he’s got a mullet when it’s wet. When it’s dry it flips up past his ears at the back and it sommer makes him look like he’s on a mission. His eyes are blue like Hubby’s, but a totally different kind of blue. A dark gray-blue color with a silver edge around his pupils. Just gorgeous. Hubby’s got clearer but also relatively deep blue eyes with a gold edge around his pupils. Who knows, as Caleb gets older, that might change too.

He’s doing very well at his new school, though there have been some concerns about biting. They can’t pinpoint that it’s him but there are suspicions. He hasn’t bitten us since we’ve heard of it (yes he did bite but we didn’t think it was so bad that he might be biting kids at school) but I’m waiting for the next time he bites me. I’m going to bite him back. Sounds horrible but he has to learn. He has to learn not to kick me when I’m trying to dress him either. The other night I gave him a smack on the bum for kicking me in the boobs while I tried to get his pajamas on and the tears that ensued made me feel like the most horrible mother ever.

He’s cutting his last four teeth. The molars. It’s been going for two weeks now, the longest he’s ever cut teeth and they’re not even completely through yet. When we brush his teeth, most days he likes it but nights like last night he cried so much, I think the toothbrush hurst the sore gummies. So I made a quick job of it and then held him against my chest and consoled him and sat down with him on the couch with his bottle, after which he passed out.

He’s also having night terrors sometimes. In that case, the best thing that works is to hold him to my chest, lie down with him and just soothe him until he calms down again. I actually don’t mind the night terrors, it gives me a chance to cuddle my son while he’s at his most rustig. During the day there’s no chance of a cuddle, too much to do, too many toys to play with and too many opportunities to terrorize the cats

So my little boy is growing up. The school is weaning him off the bottle (not sure how successful it is, he still gets the bottle at night and over weekends). They basically started doing this without us asking to or giving consent. I’m not up in arms about it, but they must keep in mind that he might not be ready yet. And the other night Caleb had a horrible tantrum session about his bottle. He found an empty one and when I took it away to give him one with water, he had a fit bigger than Table Mountain and was upset for the rest of the night. Might have to have a chat with the school. Apparently he drinks out of a cup during the day – but at home he can barely control the cup and sloshes everything all over himself. I don’t think he’s ready and if this continues to disrupt him, I will have a chat with them. It’s perfectly normal for an almost 15-year old to still be on the bottle.

Anyway, this is my update. Sorry for the book but I realize I haven’t properly updated you guys in a while.

Have a good one.

Cheers

Tourmaline

… the following song today. Everybody knows the original by Chris Isaak. But Phillip Phillips covered this song on his debut album and I just love his husky voice and how he made this song his own. Don’t get me wrong… I like the original too but this one just reaches into my heart and my soul. The music, his voice, his lyrics.

The world was on fire and no-one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
No, I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

No, I don’t wanna fall in love, no
No, I don’t wanna fall in love
This world will break your heart
Nobody’s falling in love

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you

No, I don’t wanna fall in love, no
No, I don’t wanna fall in love
This world will break your heart
Nobody’s falling in love

Go look on youtube – phillip phillips wicked games.

Pleasure your ears

Cheers

Tourmaline

I realized yesterday that I speak in exclamation marks. Whenever I bbm or whatsapp someone, or sometimes even Skype, I use an inordinate amount of exclamation marks I’m basically virtually yelling at people. I’m either yelling about something funny that’s happened, or yelling my comments at people It’s funny. Now I’ve been trying to calm the heck down with this. In anger I can understand it, but lol, not happy stuff.

I just had to stop myself from doing it again.

I very nearly met my Maker this morning. On Fridays I drive through to Sandton, it gives me a break from the train and the rush of the week. I can listen to music, drink my tea (in my travel mug) and have a smoke. And on the N1 highway on my way to Sandton, at New Road, a guy in his bakkie suddenly swerved sharply across all the other lanes right to the left and everyone braked. Now I keep my distance and I keep to the speed limit too, but heck, when you’re travelling at high speed, that 3-car distance thing suddenly becomes very small, very quickly. I braked and saw myself slamming into the car in front but thank God for ABS. I managed to brake, keep my eyes in front long enough to make sure that I didn’t hit the guy in front of me and then switched on my hazards and checked behind me. The car behind me nearly hit me too. I would have been in the middle of a pile-up and heaven only knows whether I would have survived it… Airbags don’t necessarily save your life. They break your face. But all was well, at least. I drove the rest of the way very carefully and kept an even greater distance from the cars in front and was shaking the whole way.

I’m obviously not ready to die yet. Though I might feel some days that I’d rather die than carry on the way I have, I don’t want to. I have too much to live for. Maybe not in the ways others do, but yeah. I’m fighting to save myself and I will keep fighting.

Not a lot to do over the weekend. Going to be same old. Hubby is going to see one of his friends and I’ll be at home with one of my friends and her daughter coming over. The two little ones can play to their heart’s content. Might sound horrible but I’m looking forward to some time away from him. It will do him good too to go have a beer with his friend and catch up. Maybe get some perspective or something. Heaven knows he’s smothering me and I know he means well but I can’t breathe.

Anyway, I hope y’all have a great weekend. Please be safe wherever you go.

Cheers

Tourmaline

It feels like I’m falling all the more into the abyss. Like darkness is claiming my soul for its own. Yet I’m trying to cling to the light, I will not let the darkness take me. I will fight.

Something a bbm contact posted last night:  I will face my challenges head on. Hit the ground, stand up. Reinvent myself. reborn with every challenge, but reborn with vengeance.

Okay so he snaked it from Randy Orton, one of the fake wrestlers on WWE on e-tv, but today this is how I feel, in addition to being in danger of being sucked into darkness. I am defiant. I am rebellious. I am also tired. Tired of being played, tired of being manipulated and tired of being told that I don’t have the right to feel the way I do. Heck, I’m tired of feeling the way I do!! I am just tired of it all.

At nights I go home and gladly play with my son because he distracts me, he makes me happy. But when bedtime comes, the depression (doesn’t feel fair to use this term because there are people out there who suffer chronically from it) overtakes me and leaves me feeling heavy. Too heavy to move. Too heavy to care.

I’m still a mess.

You know these memes that are going out lately into the world… Well, I had one cross my mind yesterday which brought me to a standstill. Given the current place I’m at in my life, not knowing whether I’m coming or going or which way to turn and just EXISTING, this really ripped through me.

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW UNFORTUNATE YOUR CHILD IS TO HAVE YOU AS HIS MOTHER.

Yeah we all get bad mommy moments. We all hit lows where we feel what the hell am I doing.

It’s just because lately I’ve been struggling to deal with everything. Everybody. The people I don’t need in my life – I get rid of them. The problems are ever-present at home and my desperate struggle to find a solution is taking everything of me. I’ve considered just leaving everything as is and just carrying on being the empty shell that I am. But that’s not an option either.

And yesterday as I was desperately trying to settle my child, to hold him against my chest so that the pain he’s having can leave him, I had to deal with the hurt of having him push frantically against my chest to get away from me, screaming in his little hoarse voice from being sick. Knowing my husband is looking on from the door with the same hurt in his eyes, for me. Both of us wondering why on earth my child would fight frantically to get away from me and only seek his father. I, who have always been his source of comfort. Daddy was there to play. Mommy was there to soothe.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s my fault. I’ve heard it a million times over that children are perceptive and sensitive to the feelings of their parents and pick up on it. And I’ve been trying to push everything aside and keep it at bay so as not to affect him, to still be loving towards him, to still play and still laugh when he does something cute. And I guess this weekend everything just accumulated. He’s cutting his molars, he’s got a throat infection, Hubby’s sick too and not feeling well and I am in a perpetual state of confusion. Who can blame the poor child.

And as I was trying my best to calm Caleb, the above statement hit me. And I put him down on the ground and went outside and stared at nothing. Hubby saw my expression because he brought me a calming pill.

What do you do when you reach a point where you feel that the world would be better off without you? Noooooo I’m not having suicide tendencies or thoughts, I’m neither stupid nor am I a coward. But still. That’s how I feel. Yesterday I had to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground at home because if I had a chance, I would have just… disappeared. I hit such a low lever of despair that I felt screw it, my child doesn’t want me, nor does he need me. He’s got everything and everyone he needs in Hubby and my in-laws. My own parents too.

I’m inflicting more damage on him now, more than ever just by feeling the way I do. So what do I do??

Some perspective would be welcome please… I don’t know what to do or how to switch off how I feel or what I think anymore. My dreams are plagued by all my worries, about seeking a solution that just never comes. Talking about it with Hubby renders no results, he just doesn’t HEAR me.

And Mama-Cat asked me a question last night. Do I really think I’d be happy on my own. And my answer to her was just as confusing as this post probably is. I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I’m a mess.

Tourmaline

Caleb was supposed to go for his MMR shots when he was a year old. Obviously the shit hit the fan in a great fashion at home so we didn’t get to it. But I was told by our midwife person that he can get those shots up until 15 months. And now there’s a shortage of the MMC vaccine. It’s out of stock everywhere, I phoned a couple of places nearby and around Pretoria and nada. No one has it in stock. Apparently it’s still due from overseas. For all they know it might be here already but it still has to go through customs and a lenghty quality procedure. They think it will only be available in March, by which Caleb will then be 16 months old. I can kick myself for missing the deadline. His vaccination chart is incomplete and the school frowns upon it. Shit people, what am I supposed to do now??

According to the people whom I spoke to, Rubella is the most dangerous virus of the three and the one we need to worry about the most, and they also say it’s more of a winter virus. So hopefully it won’t come our way and if it does, Caleb will be vaccinated by then. I’ve heard horrible tragic stories of children who got the virus and died.

Those of you in the other provinces… is there also a shortage?? would love if you could let me know… not saying I’ll drive all the way to another province for the shots but I might just get desperate enough just to prevent my son from catching one of these viruses.

Cheers!

Tourmaline